Oh yeah! I remember you!

Sure signs that I've returned to the Atrocious Land of PMS:

• Lower abdominal pain aka The Beast Has Awoken
• Going to bed at 9 pm three straight nights b/c I'm completely exhausted for no reason even though I've been consistently taking vitamins, drinking water, and taking better care of myself in general
• Going from tracking my calories to 4 hours later consuming an entire box of Crunch 'n Munch in one sitting, and then following it up with a snack size bag of Cool Ranch Doritos
• Taking 1/2 a Lortab every other night

My body is now engaged in a war of the mini-pill battling the endo beast in a post-Lupron environment, resulting in a guessing game of when the most unwelcome visitor of all will return.

Next time, Emily, the correct answer is, "Yes, sign me up for the hysterectomy!"

Ding, Dong, the Lupron's Gone!

I successfully completed 5 months of Lupron treatment. I decided not to do the 6th month since the shot went up considerably ($) in the new year and because I had a follow-up visit on the same day as I would have taken the 6th shot. Final tally: 2 irrational crying spells and lots of hot flashes. Not too shabby.

On the flip side of the coin, THE BEAST HAS AWOKEN, and the countdown has begun to the return of the awful. I was explaining to Doug how I could already feel the different badness components, and he asked me how it differed from the Lupron. Here is what I've decided.

Lupron is like emotions/symptoms in a vaccum -- isolated and therefore stronger. But each one pretty much takes its own turn. A period of crying. Six weeks of brutal hot flashes. It's like being loyal to one kind of alcohol, but drinking lots of it.

PMS, on the other hand, is like what stupid boys concoct on Spring Break -- a cooler full of all the leftover alcohol that should never be mixed. A guzzle of bitchy, a shot of depression, a jigger of crying, a slug of bloated, and half a fifth of pelvic pain, all combined with a pretty swizzle stick and chugged through a funnel.

My chocolate intake from this point on will be listed under medicinal.

Permanent Sunburn

Ok, you may be tired of this topic, but this is my outlet, so there! Just kidding. But do you know how ridiculous it is for your face to look like it is sunburned in OCTOBER?? I got up in the wee hours of the morning and the right side of my face was red and the left side of my face was BLOOD RED. I look like a complete moron.

Spraygroundesque

I'm big on visual learning. So picture a sprayground -- you know, one of those kids play areas where water shoots out of the ground in different spots on different timers. That is what my face feels like from the hot flashes. The good news, though, is that I've only had 2 meltdowns (i.e., crying with no end in site for exaggerated reasons) after 2 months of the drug. Not too shabby.

Tres

Have you ever felt a breakdown coming on? A really random, no life altering event provoking breakdown, not a deserved one? When you can feel the elephant of panic/stress/whatever it is sitting on your chest? And for awhile it's possible to act "normal" so that when you do explode it looks that much weirder like it was out of the blue?

I take my 3rd shot today. And just yesterday I was smugly telling myself how great I was doing, how normal I was feeling. And then today, elephant on the chest. Quick, somebody call and warn Doug! :)

Bye Bye, Bruce Banner

Mind over matter, my ass. Meltdown #1 has occurred. Poor Doug, he just sat and watched (and grilled) as I just cried and cried and cried last night. I could not stop. Part of my brain was still functioning and knew I was being ridiculous. Unfortunately, that part was the minority party and couldn't outvote the majority. I kept thinking of ERT, who has had REAL issues to cry about this week. But that kind of logic was not heard over the crying. In fact, that small part of my brain that was still functioning normally kept thinking I really wish I had an electronic counter like Bruce Banner that would go from 33 days backwards to zero like on the newest Hulk movie. That would rock.

They are currently tearing down the former Borden factory in Starkville. Wonder if I might possibly buy the sign that used to be out front: "Days without accident: __"

Uno, Dos

Shot #2 has been administered. You have been warned. (EVIL GRIN)

Oh and I! I Will Survive!

A little Gloria Gaynor, anyone?

If I had gotten around to writing a post on Friday, it would have been something along the lines of "The Natives are Hysterical, and Not in a Good Way." Some confidential, intense work stuff coupled with being harassed about stupid stuff via IM and some other stuff that I now can't recall had me on the verge of tears and meltdown. But you know what? No tears were shed! No yelling commenced! I have reached the first challenge, and I won the immunity idol! Now if we can just eradicate the fleas, I might can keep my stuff together.

Day 22: Natives, Please Stop with the Campfires

I had a few moments this weekend where I could not get cool. The air would be on 75 (which is the lowest our air is allowed) and I'd still be hot, though it wouldn't last very long. So either the hot flashes have started, or keeping a 7-month-old child for nearly 33 hours is more exhausting than I remember.

Day 19: Both Shoes Firmly in Place

I feel like there are a few people who are waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop aka for the first super crazy Emily fit. I would like to ensure to all interested parties that I am feeling quite well even though my female parts are trying to take over the free world and the universe is mocking me. I have no idea what would make them think such a fit is coming. I mean, it's not like I've ever locked myself in a bathroom while hosting Wrestling Night and reorganized my bathroom while my friends tried to slide a Xanax under the door wrapped in cheese. Sheesh. But should that have ever happened, I would like to say that almost anyone would have freaked out that day. It was the day my baby brother reported to boot camp. Something shitty happened at work (imagine that), and a pie plate full of food exploded in my oven ABOVE the other pie plate full of food. We were also 1.5 months into adoption paperwork, and I was working two jobs. An aspirin could have put me over the edge that day. And for the record, should you like to amuse yourself at work today, Google "lupron side effects" or something to that nature and read the horrendous stories ladies have posted on webboards. And then, DOUG, thank your lucky stars that the bathroom was still standing that day.

Day 17: THE NATIVES ARE REVOLTING

Mock, mock, mock. Can you hear it too? The universe is mocking me. I've been practicing all this Mind over Matter bullshit for a whole 2.5 weeks, pepping myself up for every day I continue to feel like myself and not like some monster ruled by ass-injected hormones. And then today happened. Being the frequent urinater (I'm making up words I'm so pissed), I calmly strolled into the restroom at work (for those who don't know, I am strategically right beside the bathroom; awesome) only to discover I had started my period. I'm pretty sure I have 0-1 male readers, but in case any guys are reading this I apologize for what you have blindly stumbled into. Anyhoo, I come back and do three things immediately. One, email Erica. Two, google Lupron. Three, IM HS who has also been to Crazy Town. Two out of three, and my memory from 2005 (answer to come from 1 source), say that you are not supposed to have a period while on Lupron. In fact, drugs.com states, "Lupron usually causes women to stop ovulating or having menstrual periods." Please note the word USUALLY. WTF.

Happy 9-9-09! Mock, mock, mock.

Day 16: The Natives Are Bitchy

Hey, hey, hey, wait just a minute. Give the natives a break. They are wife-bitchy, not Lupron-bitchy. Let the record show that I have never needed a medical excuse to activate The Bitch Switch. Here is a rundown of Labor Day weekend:

Friday:
Supper at LAF with Erica and kiddos and my mom. Getting there late is like being 5 shots of tequila behind everyone else. You need to have been there when the momentum reached 100, not just walk into it. Shew. Then we headed to the OHA football game. Went pretty well considering. We wisely left following the half-time show.

Saturday:
PAF! I love PAF like a loyal WP'er should. Mom, Elliott and I (Doug was at work at the Co-op) started our morning with a funnel cake (8:15ish), and E and I quickly followed it with a chicken-on-a-stick (9:30ish). PAF appetite is like no other. Gorge fest! Elliott was super whiney, and we finally called it a day around 12:30. Elliott and I went home to nap; Doug went to the MSU game. Note we haven't seen him since 7 am. I woke up from my nap with a horrendous headache which I suspect was from the overindulgence of food and sugar. Took an Ultram. Nothing. Took another one. Went to church. Head is still killing me. I couldn't even sing. And people, I LOVE to sing. God simply forgot to insert the talent. Anyhoo, we left church (Mom, Penny, the girls, E and I) and headed to Artesia for a post-dove hunt hamburger cooking. Head still hurting, so I also take an Aleve. That's right, 2 Ultrams and 1 Aleve. FINALLY sometime during Artesia I start to get a break from the headache. I'm now at like 25% headache and 75% slight buzz. At least I can function now. Doug finally arrives from the game, 12+ hours since we've last seen him.

Sunday:
The three of us head to Louisville to have lunch with Doug's family. Shea, Terry and the kids were there for the weekend. Now, even though we are "together" and at his family's house, that doesn't mean Doug hangs out with us. He still finds time to go get his game camera from the woods and assorted other activies. We leave there to head to Palo Alto for (1) Doug to dove hunt that afternoon and (2) Penny's b'day supper that night. So bye-bye Doug from 2:30 until 7 pm. And who was there to console a little boy who wanted to go? ME. Nice supper and b'day cake. I, sensing how tired and ill Elliott already was, wanted to leave at 7:45. Instead we left after 9 and boy did we pay the price.

Monday:
Doug got up and left around 7 am to go to the country and work on his box stand. There MIGHT have been a half-assed invitation to join him, but I knew better than to not let Elliott have any downtime at home before starting a new week. So on top of having Elliott by myself for another entire day, I also did dishes, laundry and cleaned the bathroom. Oh yeah, and I cooked supper.

Now I ask you, members of the female jury, wouldn't you be pissy too?

CAN Read My Pa-Pa-Pa-Poker Face

Upon entering the cinder block palace this morning, I'm pretty sure the following message was displayed on my face:

Not ready to play nice. Back off. Do not feed the bears. Keep your distance or you might lose a hand. May spew negative comments onto the nicest "good morning" wisher. Out to lunch. May not return socially. My kid is driving me to the brink.

Happy Thursday. Or its literal translation today, Here's a kick in the face free of charge!

MWF Seeks Normalcy...Or Not

As you may have noticed in the past few days, I've been struggling to get myself into a healthily functioning routine for the fall semester. In my deliberations, it occurred to me that I've not really had a "normal" married life. Here is what I've discovered about my roles over the past 11 years:

(1) Single, full-time undergraduate student, working part-time [2 years]

(2) Married, full-time undergraduate student, working part-time [2 years]

(3) Married, part-time graduate student, working full-time at a job I hated [3 years]

(4) Married, working full-time at a job I hated, and pursuing an international adoption WHILE ON LUPRON [1 year]

(5) Married, FINALLY A MOMMY!, working full-time at a job I hated [1 year]

(6) Married, a MOMMY!, working full-time at a job I love [2 years]

(7) Married, a MOMMY!, working full-time at a job I love, and going back to school part-time as an undergraduate student [current]

Wow, two major thoughts remain. First, poor Doug, he deserves sainthood. Second, I might not suck at life quite as much as I previously thought. I have new found respect for myself after composing this list. And I also wonder what the hell I have against a "normal" life? Ha.

Day 2: The Natives Are Getting Restless

But don't blame the Lupron.

I am very fond of saying it's the little things in life that make me happy. Unfortunately, it's also the little things in life that really piss me off. And when there is a simultaneous collection of little things...look out, world! Here is the current list of things driving me to the edge of the cliff:

(1) My house is DIRTY. Not sure why it didn't occur to me to make sure it was clean before the fall semester began.

(2) My cat is a freak. She is allergic to fleas, which causes her to get horrible scabs, which then fly through the air with hair when she scratches, which is all the time. Until she gets her shot, life is nearly unbearable with her.

(3) Doug was too busy on his day off yesterday to take Priss for above-mentioned shot. Can you see the look on my face right now?

(4) The fleas are out of control again and are leaving the free meal bank that are the cats and moving into the carpet. This item alone could send me over the edge.

(5) ELLIOTT...DAYCARE DROP OFF...OVERLY EMOTIONAL CHILD...that's all I'm going to say about that right now.

(6) I seem to have come down with a cold in the last 12 hours.

(7) I am constantly late to work (reference #5 above).

(8) I can't get my DSL to work at the house.

Plan of action coming soon. I hope.

Day 1: The Natives Are Friendly

Well, the time has come. The first shot has been plunged into my beefy backside. First 15 hours and all is well. Now will someone tell Doug to stop saying stupid things like, "WOE IS ME - THE WORLD IS ENDING - MY WIFE IS BACK ON THE LUPRON - LIFE AS I KNOW IT HAS CEASED!"

Love Me Some MasterCard

8 hours in Same Day Surgery: $TBD

Anesthesiologist's bill: $TBD

Doctor's bill: $TBD

20 Lortabs for pain: $10.99

Ultram for pain: $12

Lupron shots: $60/month for 6 months

Having a friend who will give you a shot in the ass every month: PRICELESS.

Reservation for 1 in Crazy Town

I have been heard on many occasions swearing off ever taking another round of Lupron treatments. I have been heard borrowing phrases from other Lupron survivors such as "I'll never do that to my marriage again" and "I've visited Crazy Town, and I don't want to go back." I've been seen illogically shaking my head no as if I'm 3 years old and incapable of intelligent response...as has Doug when his opinion is sought in this matter. But alas, I have been convinced to give it another go. Oh, if you don't know, Lupron is a suppression drug used after laparoscopies to further restrain the mighty endo.

Though my reservation is for 1 in Crazy Town, I may be seen arriving with a sidecar destined for Hell. Inside will be my closest friends and loved ones. Pray for them starting now. :)