A Mouse among Men?

We had a work retreat two years ago where we did the animal personality test.  There are four options: Eagle, Bison, Bear and Mouse.  I was not pleased with the result.  Can you guess which one I ended up?  The stinking mouse.

Here is the description of the "Human Temperament" of the Mouse:

Perceived as the black sheep with a slightly disreputable character (say what?), individuals ruled by the mouse are viewed as such due to their quiet ability to remain invisible yet resourceful and productive at the same time.  Competent in their own abilities and aware of their limitations, they maximize opportunity and end up dominating much to the surprise and chagrin of others.  They are bewildering and awe-inspiring in their talents to get out of the direst of situations in a manner that projects a sense of invincibility.  They are the giant killers; the underdogs taking down number one without anyone actually understanding how.  Humorous individuals who carry serious undertones, they rely on instinct and intuition rather than logic and rationality, and it often proves more reliable.  They do things their own way, finding a direct path to reach goals that are designed uniquely for them.  While seemingly small and vulnerable, they overcome fears easily, pushing forward, taking chances, and trusting in a higher guidance, even if that means knocking others off course.

I bolded items I agree with above.  Thoughts?

Striving to be better at life

Tomorrow kicks off Lent, and most people have been very curious as to what I will give up this year.  In years past I've given up chocolate (too many times to count), Dr. Pepper (ditto), and even cursing (sadly, more than once).  I've been thinking about what to give up since the first of the year.  And here is what I decided: sloth and gluttony.

As defined by Wikipedia:

Sloth is the neglect to take care of something that one should do. The modern view goes further, regarding laziness and indifference as the sin at the heart of the matter.

Gluttony is the over-indulgence and over-consumption of anything to the point of waste. In the Christian religions, it is considered a sin because of the excessive desire for food or its withholding from the needy.

Allow me to explain.  I find myself almost constantly wondering why I can't get the same things done that other people do.  Why is my house always a mess?  How does that person have time to do C & D when I can't even get A & B done?  These questions coincide with my extreme dislike of hearing people say, "I don't have time."  My first step on my road of self-enlightenment is that I choose to say, "I don't make the time/prioritize my time correctly."  Here are the things I know: I make time for TV, fiction reading, etc.  So my focus during Lent is to watch less TV, read no fiction, do more housework, spend more quality time with my family - pretty much not to overindulge in anything not productive.  I have established additional goals like (1) must do dishes every night and (2) must accomplish one additional task each night.

My goal is that these behaviors will become habits after Lent, and my focus in life will be sharpened.

What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?

I find it hard to believe that after all these years I'd never seen this poem. Bang on.

What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?

I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let Him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.

While I would never choose infertility, I cannot deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know."

--Author unknown

Note to Self

Trust

Proverbs 3:5-6
“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” 
(NIV)

Right Now

 So, where are we right now in our journey? 

1. We were federally fingerprinted (aka had our biometrics taken) in Birmingham on Tuesday.*
2. The majority of our dossier left this morning on the first leg of its journey to the Secretary of State to get certified.

The manilla envelope that UPS sent it in looked so unofficial, disturbingly so.  Don't they know that weeks and weeks worth of paper chasing is in that envelope?  I felt like it should be decorated with markers and glitter and ribbon.  It needed a proper send off.

Ok, so what's in the envelope?
Our application letter to China, birth certificates, marriage certificate, letters of employment, medical forms (UGH), financial information, the home study, and police clearance.

Where is it headed?
The packet is headed to the Secretary of State's office first.  Each of those forms/letters was notarized here, and now the SoS has to attach a certification that verifies that the notary is legit.

Then what?
When the packet comes back from Jackson, I make copies of all the certification sheets.  Then it goes to the Chinese Embassy in Houston, TX, for authentication.  Yep, that's another piece of paper that gets added.  Then I make copies of those sheets.  THEN, I add passport copies, photos of us and our home, and letters of reference to the packet, and the entire packet then goes to the agency in Oregon.  The agency reviews it and holds it.

*Once the fingerprints are processed with our immigration application, we will receive the I-797 approval via mail.  This will be the final piece of the dossier.  But it too will have to be state certified and embassy authenticated.

When that piece of paper is sent to Oregon, and prayerfully crossing fingers that all documents pass muster, THEN AND ONLY THEN will the dossier go to China.  Shew! 

At that point I will turn my attention to two things: (1) working on her room and (2) FUNDRAISERS!  Get ready, we will need your help!

Many of you have done some calculating and have, probably accurately, come to the conclusion that our daughter has likely already been born.  I ask that you pray specifically for her health, that she is being well cared for, for her care givers, and for her adjustment when the time comes.  I also ask, very selfishly, that you not say to me, "How exciting!  She's (probably) already been born!"  It hurts my heart for every second that I am not with her.  And though, yes, down the road it will be exciting that she is probably close in age to babies in my life, right now all I hear is, "You are with your baby, and I am not."


When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start right now.
-When Harry Met Sally but as used in adoption context by Jillian Michaels

  

Faith

Faith is exactly what it takes to get through uncertainty. 

Faith is not necessary when you know how things are going to work out, that's knowledge. It's in the time of unknowing that having faith is what sees you through to the other side. 

Faith is what gives you strength. 

Faith is that light in your heart that keeps on shining even when it's all darkness outside. Now is the time to keep that faith alive!

--Source Unknown

Idling

Even if you're on the right track, 

you'll get run over if you just sit there. 

-Will Rogers

Look for Me under Antonyms

Via Wikipedia:

Patience is the state of endurance under difficult circumstances, which can mean persevering in the face of delay or provocation without acting on annoyance/anger in a negative way; or exhibiting forbearance when under strain, especially when faced with longer-term difficulties. Patience is the level of endurance one's character can take before negativity. It is also used to refer to the character trait of being steadfast. Antonyms include hastiness and impetuousness.

A Little Mo' Cardio

An acquaintance recently introduced me to See Jane Run, who I now "follow" on Facebook.  I love the testimonials from other women about why they run.  And it's a good thing that was in my brain during Vanessa's and I's 2nd 5k (Saturday, May 14) because I couldn't find my mental happy place (The HILLS are alive!).  So I started thinking like those women, and chanted to myself:

I run because I can.
I run for me.
I run for us (Van).
I run for my family.
I run to prove I can.

We finished in 33:34...taking 2:45 off our previous time!  (For reference, see 1st 5k story here.)  We placed 40 and 41 out of 71 participants.  Now, we had done a lot of mental preparation for this race, and again, the course is VERY HILLY.  My student worker, an amazing runner, had warned me that our time might be slower due to the hills.  Well, we were blessed with fantastic, cool weather (all the better to breathe in!), and apparently a whole lot of adrenaline! 

One of the funniest things to me was at registration.  We saw two women with the race map trying to figure out the course before starting.  Vanessa and I were both like, "OMG, you mean they haven't run the course?!"  Then we got a kick out of our Type A selves having HAD to do our race homework to prepare.  :)

But the FUNNIEST thing was receiving a call later in the morning that I had won my age category.  After a few euphoric seconds, I realized that probably meant I was the only person in my age category.  Well I was wrong...there was one other person!  HA!  But I did beat her by 1:15! :)  I'll take it anyway!

 

Next up, a different training schedule for summer (read as: AVOIDING THE HEAT).  Then we have our sights set on the Prairie Arts Festival 5K in early September.  Our goal is to run that one without any walking.

There is no finish line. - See Jane Run

Coincidence is God's Way of Remaining Anonymous

I set my sails for a new direction, but the wind got in my way...Eric Church

Quite awhile ago, we set our sails for this second journey.  But I let the winds of frustration, bitterness, worry, doubt, and many others push us off course.  This past month I have been in an awful place, which in turn pushed us further and further back from the starting line.  Just yesterday I had nearly decided that I was wrong, this was not our path.  But last night, I felt the bitterness leave my heart.  In its place was thankfulness for my blessed life: my family, my friends, my health, my opportunities.  And even though I was off path, I was on my way to finding peace again.  But I had started to believe this journey wasn't for us.

I woke up today and realized it was May 5.  In our world, May 5 does not equate Cinco de Mayo.  In our world, it is the day our precious son landed with us on US soil.  A day when after being in and out of airplanes and airports, we were greeted at approximately 9 pm at the GTR airport by nearly 40 people.  The most amazing crowd of family and friends, with banners and balloons in tow, were brought to complete quiet by my finger upon my lips.  The airport is my hospital; my stage to present the blessing He gave us.  Not the easy way, not the normal way, but our way. 

Five years have passed now.  And how amazing they have been.  And how humbled I am today that my celebratory Facebook post garnered 33 likes and 8 comments.  And I was reminded subtly that sometimes this journey is bigger than us.  Sometimes this journey is a testament to Him, and a HOPE to others who may be considering this path.

So this afternoon I received a call from a contract social worker.  This is particularly odd since we have not officially applied (with either agency).  I have not returned not a single document to the state agency.  All I have done is email with the contact there.  Funny how that call came today.  Funny how God just pushed me right back where he wants me to be, brushing aside my excuses. Funny how today was Holt's A Day to Pray...

Let me share one more story with you, friends - Isaac's story.  Even if this isn't your path, pray for these children.  And be open to promoting adoption to others in your circle. 

Who is driving this car?

Oh yeah...

Stuck like Glue

It's official: I'm stuck.  Something big is holding me back from checking off the To Do list.  I've felt this way before, and this is terrifying me.  Last time these feelings ended with a sit back for TWO YEARS before moving forward again.  Sadly, I found yet another round of info packets -- this time from 2008 and 2009 -- that I threw away this weekend.  I now have this feeling like what challenge is on the horizon that we don't know about?  [SHUDDER]

If you need me, I'm still here at the corner of Overwhelmed and Frustrated, which is better than the corner of OMG and WTH?.

Your prayers are appreciated.

In Relativity World, I'm Even Stephen.

I could be thinner...I could be fatter.

I could be in less debt...I could be in more debt.

I could make more money...I could make less money.

I could be more successful...I could be less successful.

I could be healthier...I could be sicker.


Just trying to find some perspective...

Pain is Weakness Leaving the Body

It is very apropos that last night's episode of The Biggest Loser featured a 5k since I just completed my very 1st 5k this weekend!  And no, I was not running through mixed-terrain in New Zealand, but the emotions were so very similar.  The feelings of "I can't believe I'm doing this"..."I never thought I would be a 'runner'"..."Being overweight and out of shape means I can't do things"...Powerful emotions.  It is something I have been wanting to do for about 3 years.  And a year ago my running buddy Van and I were about THIS CLOSE to beginning.  But the beginner's running course was offered at times that were not conducive to our commuter schedules.  Fast forward an entire year, and we joined said class together.  We trained for 5 weeks with the amazing Molly, and we were so happy to finish in 36:15!  We are now training for our 2nd 5k, and we are still in awe that we did it, that we stayed on track and completed this goal that was so important to us.  Not only was it an amazing journey for our individual selves, but it was a great journey to take together as cousins.   Maybe next time this huge milestone will actually include pictures!

I'm working on a new personal goal (no, nothing insane like running anything longer than a 5k), which I will share with you in time.

Title credit: U.S. Marine Corp

Who Wants a Piece of the Pie?

I had a realization a few weeks ago that I share info about my life in segments that I divvy out between my confidants. 

I wonder what a therapist would say about that?

Signs, Signs, Everywhere Signs? - Take 2

Remember this?

Well, ask and you shall receive.

A few days after writing the above post, I prayed on my way to work asking God to provide some VERY SPECIFIC signs that we are supposed to get moving on adoption #2.  That very day, I sat down to this image at lunch.  I also received an awesome IM peptalk from hello kissey.  I really, really wanted to share it with y'all, but my IM history is not cooperating.  Boo.  And last but certainly not least...

Some $ was unexpectedly given.  More to come on that.

So over the last month (March), my steps have been much more purposeful. Pre-steps to the big ones, if you will. And you may not understand it, but what appears to be a slow start is my very thoughtful approach to beginning the correct way.  Again, more to come on what I've been doing in March.

Last time, though I do remember exactly how much research I had previously done, when I thought we were ready to start I just stepped off that curb into traffic.  I didn't care if cars had to swerve to avoid me, and it's a good thing God looks after fools.  Because there I was, marching headfirst across that street, arms pumping, ready to run over any obstacle.  This time I find myself standing on the curb, very much noticing the traffic, licking a finger and checking the wind, searching my pockets for a compass, not willing to chance a false start.  It appears to be working. 

Faith, Hope, Love

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.  
--1 Corinthians 13:13

Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.  
--Martin Luther King

Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul...
--Emily Dickinson

 

The Summons

Will you come and follow me if I but call your name? 
Will you go where you don't know and never be the same?
Will you let my love be shown? Will you let my name be known,
will you let my life be grown in you and you in me?

Will you leave yourself behind if I but call your name?
Will you care for cruel and kind and never be the same?
Will you risk the hostile stare should your life attract or scare?
Will you let me answer prayer in you and you in me?

Will you let the blinded see if I but call your name?
Will you set the prisoners free and never be the same?
Will you kiss the leper clean and do such as this unseen,
and admit to what I mean in you and you in me?

Will you love the "you" you hide if I but call your name?
Will you quell the fear inside and never be the same?
Will you use the faith you've found to reshape the world around,
through my sight and touch and sound in you and you in me?

Lord your summons echoes true when you but call my name.
Let me turn and follow you and never be the same.
In Your company I'll go where Your love and footsteps show.
Thus I'll move and live and grow in you and you in me.. 

--Catholic hymn

And now discouraged *

Geez, two consecutive posts and I've titled them Doubt and Discouraged. Not a good sign. Just went out and read a few blogs of those parents who are adopting from Nepal. Some have received referrals, some have submitted their dossiers, but nothing is moving. Since opening back up in January 2009, no child has come home. The political upheaval and the need for a new Minister seem to have brought it to a standstill. And so these poor parents wait. And parents like us wonder, "Should we even apply?"

Can you feel the heartbreak? Can you feel the frustration with the roadblocks that the few options we have in international adoption are causing?

Please pray for these families. Pray for international adoption. But mostly pray for the orphans.

* Editor's note: This post was written 7-9-09. The situation in Nepal got slightly better only to get much worse by August 2010.  The State Department went on to suspend (abandonment) adoptions there.  Wonderfully, a Starkville family did bring their son home from Nepal just a month or two ago. 

Interesting that the 2009 roadblocks were indeed signs, so I say.  Nepal was not the answer for us.  So we waited.  And here we are, 2 years later...poised with toes on the edge of the diving board, contemplating.  Gripping the edge, lacking the nerve to jump.