BrainBook

For reasons you would either not understand or just think were lame, I decided to compile a list of what I consider to be my most amusing/clever Facebook statuses.  Here is another glimpse into my brain:

has the hots for the Allstate mayhem guy.

declared today a little-chocolate-doughnuts-breakfast-of-champions kind of day.

just finished an epic light saber battle in the kitchen.

sometimes wishes I had a diagram of my mental wonderings.

is apparently a Distance Learning Enthusiast. Where is my cape?

knows with authority that camo boots make great car cupholders.

- "I'm anti-Bella. I hate that bitch." --JDE 3

is playing the part of Samantha from SATC today - but only from that awful chemical peel episode.

- the snow cynic has been silenced.

woke to the sounds of a bird revolution.

is drinking the Leigh-Ann kool-aid.

Phillip caught her 1st mouse last night and proudly showed it to me this morning. I am now being forced to congratulate her repeatedly and suffer through her cocky swagger.

rocked an Oscar the Grouch ski hat to the Christmas parade last night. Hot mess? Yes. Warm? Yes!

has a magical highlighter.

misses the good ole' days - aka the stupid ole' days - when payday used to be exciting.

is raising a teenager in the form of a 6-lb cat named Phillip.

just saw my past flash before my eyes. Shiver.

fears I'm destined to be frumptastic for the rest of my life.

has now taken my shirt off 2x in the work bathroom this morning. What other fun things will this day hold!

has musical tourettes. I blame Enrique.

is missing my Goofy Frank Halloween mug today. Another victim of my clumsiness. RIP Goofy Frank.

used to dream of becoming rich and famous so I could have a professional hairstylist at my beck and call. Now I dream of having someone follow me around with a lint brush.

is wearing a dress today. Yes, it is shocking. No, I am not going to an interview nor to a funeral. My wachine machine is holding my jeans hostage. Thank you for playing.

used to wear different socks out of convenience, now I do it to annoy Doug.

does an amazing Cookie Monster impersonation.

has hair that laughs in the face of frizz control products.

is no longer Swedish.

needs a 12-step program for chocolate. And I'm fairly certain I have had this status before.

thinks that if my last name was Jolly, I would name a kid Roger. That way, when his name was written Last name, First name, the teacher would have to call: Jolly, Roger.

made a list of all the household projects that need to be tackled, so I can be prepared should I unexpectantly win the lottery.

sometimes eats yogurt with a fork.

twice in just a few weeks I've seen a giant toothbrush on campus. Perplexing and enjoyable at the same time.

is very tired today due to Phillip and her exuberant play during the night with a lone fishing cork.

...chefs and designers and Joel McHale, oh my! The satellite has returned and is fantastic!

weighed my backpack last night.

would like to harm the person who brought the smell of bacon to work. SNIFF = WONDERFUL.

likes apples and bananas.

wonders how many consecutive years I can win the Worst Housekeeper of the Year award? I mean, I'm pleased with the 10-year streak, but I wonder if maybe someone else deserves a shot at the trophy? It's a really nice trophy. Anyone want it?

- (Lean Pocket + an apple + skim milk) - (the pleasure of dining out with friends) = Grumpy Emily

has a Diet Pepsi can convention in my car. Party within.

wants to break up with Monday.

gets really pissed off at bad gas station etiquette. Forget Emily Post, I'm going to write "Emily's Guide to Modern Life: How Not to Get Flipped Off."

did not think it was possible to heart Joel McHale more than I previously did...and then I saw the Physical Education episode. DUDE.

is a cat whisperer.

sleeps in a She-Ra: Princess of Power tshirt.

has adopted a Stephanie Plum approach to life: when all else fails, go with big hair and an extra swipe of mascara.

is wearing two different socks today. Oh yeah, and still has a boat for sell.

thinks now that we have Lady Gaga to gaga at, Madonna seems pretty vanilla.

heard the song "Diamonds on the Inside" by Ben Harper this morning and instantly wondered if that is what motivated Jennifer Love Hewitt to vajazzle herself.

is all out of clever statuses.

 (January 2010 - present)

It's Burning!

THS and I were having a discussion about friend support this morning.  And have you ever been a cheerleader for a friend during a rant only to find out that was the WRONG response?  I get that.  Not to be a Negative Nancy, but sometimes you need your friends to be all, "Hell yeah, that is messed up!" versus "Keep your chin up!"  So, I had an epiphany.  The standard Emily response for all expected pep talks following a friend rant will now be...

...do you want me to throw FUEL or WATER on this fire?

:)

In sorta related news (related if you have a brain like mine), I just read Dooce's blog entry about her husband having to go to the ER.  And since that is (way too) familiar territory with me, you know I was engrossed.  And I was delighted to see that she too deals with the scary by making irreverent jokes while there.  Which brought a smile to my face thinking about Doug and I's last trip to the ER in December, where we laughed so hard we cried.  This transcript will not do the funny justice, but I will try.

Nurse, likely to an elderly, hard-of-hearing patient:
Now you just let me know if that starts burning.

Me, sleep-deprived logic (and with hand motions): Is something going to catch on fire in there, or does she mean like a salve?

Doug, in best redneck voice:
This shit's hot!

Cue hysterical laughter and tears...Good times.

30-Day Blog Challenge: Day 8

Day 8: A place you've traveled to

Yes, I realize it says "A" place you've traveled to.  But I'm going to mention more than one.  It's my blog, dang it! ;)

I don't consider myself that well-traveled, but when I stop and make a list I'm actually doing pretty well.  As a child, as I've mentioned numerous times, we went to PCB, FL every year for vacation.  In addition to that, I visited my aunt in Austin when I was a mere 2, and I visited Virginia with my grandmother and cousins when I was in the 4th grade.  That was probably the extent of my traveling until I went to Mexico for spring break senior year.  We love to tell those stories!  When Doug and I got married, we honeymooned in Montego Bay, Jamaica.  Then two years later I started traveling with my job.  For a long time I kept a list:

• Orlando x2
• Charleston (Hollar, Holly!) x2
• Nashville x2
• Omaha
• Atlanta x too many to count
• New Orleans x3
• Little Rock
• San Antonio x2
• Biloxi x2
• Dallas
• Tampa
• Memphis
• West Monroe, LA*
• Baltimore
• Logan, UT
• Chicago 
• Lexington

My favorite place we went was Logan, UT, which is near Salt Lake City.  It was so different from here, and I was with a really fun group that trip.

Of course, then we made the most important trip of our life in May 2006 to Guatemala City.  That was right after my West Monroe trip, so that makes WM seem better in hindsight.  What a trip.  Story still to come about that part of the adoption journey.

In December 2006, I went to NYC for the first time.  I do so love it.  My first two trips there (out of three) were amazing.  It's a dead tie on which was better.

Hey, where did this elephant come from?

The Rocket Pop

This silly little story is such a good snapshot into why Doug and I work. Our best times are the moments when we are laughing uncontrollably about the stupidest things no one else would think are funny. Like that time we laughed for 10 unspeakable minutes after imitating Poco's meow. But I digress.

One night in 2005 (I think, not 100% accurate on that), Doug and I headed to Columbus to watch a friend in a karaoke contest. My mom was out of town, and my dad was in his boot (source of injury escaping me right now...was it stepping off a feed bag wrong? oh well). I believe our friend made it into the top 3 that night before we headed home once we realized my poor dad was in excruciating pain. On the way home, I stopped at a gas station and sent Doug in to get me AN ICE CREAM ON A STICK. That fact is very important to remember. Doug returned with A ROCKET POP. I ABHOR rocket pops. I'm not a big fan of popsicles, sherbet or anything not dairy that is in the freezer section. And I'm not really a big fan of ice cream in a bowl. It has to be ICE CREAM ON A STICK. And I flipped The Bitch Switch. I had a fit. My dad tried to take Doug's side, which just fired me up even more. So Doug started eating the rocket pop, and doing so in a very annoying way. Slurping, "ummm, it's so good," and offering me a lick every few miles all the way back to WP. And after every time, he would giggle. It was at this point I realized he had had more to drink than I had previously realized.

The mere mention of the words rocket pop can still make us laugh.

Smells Like Freshman Year

No, the signature scent of freshman year is not vodka. It's TAR! I was walking across campus this morning and the smell smacked me in the face. And after I wanted to vomit, I thought of Sessums Hall, my honorary dorm, and my dear friends and the good times we had there. Guess the tar wasn't all bad if it can evoke good memories. I mean, it's not every freshman who needs a flashlight to go to the potty, huh, Michelle? :)

Arroz con Leche

In early 2007 when Holly, Michelle and I were in NYC, we ate at a Cuban restaurant in the theater district before seeing Mamma Mia. A few months before that, I had bought Elliott a CD of Spanish lullabies, and one of the songs on it was titled, "Arroz con Leche." I know enough Spanish to know that meant rice with milk. But I couldn't for the life of me figure out why that was a lullaby. I asked my friend Roberto about it, and he let me know that it's a dessert. Please note that at that point my mind did not get that "OH!" moment it should have. Arroz con leche = rice pudding! So anyhoo, we are at the Cuban restaurant, and I see it on the menu, and I start singing the lullaby. I thought I was singing quietly. Apparently not quietly enough because the waiter heard me...and he brought us a free order of rice pudding! So, friends, let it be known that I sang for my supper in the theater district of NYC. And was not boo'd.

I had a craving for rice pudding the other night, and the only recipe I have for it takes TWO HOURS. Ridiculous. But the craving was strong, so I went for it. I told Elliott I was making dessert, so he was periodically checking in on the status of the dessert. When it was ready, I scooped him a bowl, told him it was hot, then went in the living room. I ate mine (delicious!) then went to check on him (he and Doug were watching a movie elsewhere). His bowl looked untouched. I let him know it was cool enough to eat now, to which he quickly let me know he did not like rice pudding. I felt really bad about the whole build up of dessert that he didn't end up liking. So the next morning I told him I was sorry he didn't like the dessert I made. And he responded: "Next time, make a cake. It be better for me." :)

Shower Me With Gifts

As Sara was opening gifts at her bridal shower this weekend, I did not have to envy her brand new towels like most people who have been married 9 years would have to do. Instead, I remembered that I have a mother-in-law who was smart enough to box up the excess towels and store them for me. So the next day I asked for my reserve of towels. And what did Doug bring home? FOUR PAPER BOXES FULL OF TOWELS. Holy shit. I had no idea this whole time that we had that many towels in storage. I was thinking, like, 1 box. And I thought it was only bath towels. I had asked for kitchen towels for Christmas two years ago in a name swap for heaven's sake! And lo and behold, there are kitchen towels, full size bath towels, hand towels (needed so badly), and wash cloths. And in about 4 different colors.

So how in the world did we end up with enough towels to stock our house AND have 4 boxes in storage? Well, fellow WP'ers will attest to the fact that WP folks buy from Roses. And Roses has dust collectors. So at one point prior to the wedding, I was in full freakout mode about not having anything practical -- "LIKE TOWELS!" -- but we would sure as hell be able to decorate our house. Poor Doug was the recipient of this spill many times apparently. So if anyone asked him what we needed: "TOWELS"

And there you go. That's why I now have 4 boxes of brand new towels sitting in my home office.

Cupcake Canvas

Five years ago when Erica got married (wow, I didn't realize until just now it had been 5 years), Holly, Michelle and I set out to liven up her self-planned bachelorette spend the night party. She had planned the location and food and everything, so we decided we had to do something funny/naughty. Not sure how she drew the shortest straw, but Holly called bakeries around Jackson inquiring about adult novelty cakes. Now you cannot appreciate the true funniness of this unless you really know Holly. But I will always remember with an uproar of laughter how she recounted the disgust in the woman's voice when she informed her they did NOT make those kind of cakes. Having struck out and been mortally embarrassed, Holly passed the baton to me. Luckily, I can usually find some freak to go with me on such a mission. So off set Sara, Elizabeth and I to Fantasyland, on Hwy 69 of course. The phalic cake pan was a bit too much, so we chose the cupcake pan; and it was not cheap. And giggled all the way back to Tibbee. When I got ready to make the cupcakes, I called Sara for tips on flesh colored icing. Who knew that her graphic design degree and all that training in art would turn out to be so beneficial for not only making the most perfect flesh colored icing in the world but also for all the thought she put into the realism of those cupcakes. They were works of art. She even took a toothpick and sculpted the icing. And I think we burned hundreds of calories laughing while we did it. I was both proud and somewhat embarrassed to reveal, and later consume, those cupcakes. But nothing would compare to the mortification I would days later know when Mr. Turnip told me how funny he thought it was. CUE SHOCK AND COMPLETE AND UTTER EMBARRASSMENT. Seems Erica thought it was so funny that she took the last remaining cupcake and showed her then future in-laws. I'm not sure I've ever been able to completely look him in the eye since then.

Spring Break Revisited

Spring 1998. Six girls, three very fun adult chaperons. A week in Mexico to become more cultured, though I'm not really sure falling into a suitcase after excessive drinking made us so. That trip also taught us about how the actual process of international travel isn't so much fun. Ridiculously long delays, guarding our mounds of luggage from weirdos, oh yeah, and in-country air travel aboard the flying coffin. Why, you may ask, are you reliving this fine memory today, Emily? The memory was brought sharply into focus last night after a similar experience, though this time the coffin was on four wheels. I thought my life was coming to an end on the way to Sunflower to purchase a $2.65 bottle of ketchup on my debit card. My poor old Isuzu Rodeo has been so abused by its subsequent owners that it is now the automotive equivalent of that airplane 10 years ago. It even had a beverage cart, water pouring in from the sunroof into my purse and onto my body while backing out of my driveway. The mere five minutes I spent in it roundtrip were so horrifying that upon return to my house I said to Jack with the crazy eyes, "We are going car shopping on Friday." No asking when he wanted to go or when he thought he was ready to buy. Oh no. "Daddy, it's time....IT'S TIME."