BrainBook

For reasons you would either not understand or just think were lame, I decided to compile a list of what I consider to be my most amusing/clever Facebook statuses.  Here is another glimpse into my brain:

has the hots for the Allstate mayhem guy.

declared today a little-chocolate-doughnuts-breakfast-of-champions kind of day.

just finished an epic light saber battle in the kitchen.

sometimes wishes I had a diagram of my mental wonderings.

is apparently a Distance Learning Enthusiast. Where is my cape?

knows with authority that camo boots make great car cupholders.

- "I'm anti-Bella. I hate that bitch." --JDE 3

is playing the part of Samantha from SATC today - but only from that awful chemical peel episode.

- the snow cynic has been silenced.

woke to the sounds of a bird revolution.

is drinking the Leigh-Ann kool-aid.

Phillip caught her 1st mouse last night and proudly showed it to me this morning. I am now being forced to congratulate her repeatedly and suffer through her cocky swagger.

rocked an Oscar the Grouch ski hat to the Christmas parade last night. Hot mess? Yes. Warm? Yes!

has a magical highlighter.

misses the good ole' days - aka the stupid ole' days - when payday used to be exciting.

is raising a teenager in the form of a 6-lb cat named Phillip.

just saw my past flash before my eyes. Shiver.

fears I'm destined to be frumptastic for the rest of my life.

has now taken my shirt off 2x in the work bathroom this morning. What other fun things will this day hold!

has musical tourettes. I blame Enrique.

is missing my Goofy Frank Halloween mug today. Another victim of my clumsiness. RIP Goofy Frank.

used to dream of becoming rich and famous so I could have a professional hairstylist at my beck and call. Now I dream of having someone follow me around with a lint brush.

is wearing a dress today. Yes, it is shocking. No, I am not going to an interview nor to a funeral. My wachine machine is holding my jeans hostage. Thank you for playing.

used to wear different socks out of convenience, now I do it to annoy Doug.

does an amazing Cookie Monster impersonation.

has hair that laughs in the face of frizz control products.

is no longer Swedish.

needs a 12-step program for chocolate. And I'm fairly certain I have had this status before.

thinks that if my last name was Jolly, I would name a kid Roger. That way, when his name was written Last name, First name, the teacher would have to call: Jolly, Roger.

made a list of all the household projects that need to be tackled, so I can be prepared should I unexpectantly win the lottery.

sometimes eats yogurt with a fork.

twice in just a few weeks I've seen a giant toothbrush on campus. Perplexing and enjoyable at the same time.

is very tired today due to Phillip and her exuberant play during the night with a lone fishing cork.

...chefs and designers and Joel McHale, oh my! The satellite has returned and is fantastic!

weighed my backpack last night.

would like to harm the person who brought the smell of bacon to work. SNIFF = WONDERFUL.

likes apples and bananas.

wonders how many consecutive years I can win the Worst Housekeeper of the Year award? I mean, I'm pleased with the 10-year streak, but I wonder if maybe someone else deserves a shot at the trophy? It's a really nice trophy. Anyone want it?

- (Lean Pocket + an apple + skim milk) - (the pleasure of dining out with friends) = Grumpy Emily

has a Diet Pepsi can convention in my car. Party within.

wants to break up with Monday.

gets really pissed off at bad gas station etiquette. Forget Emily Post, I'm going to write "Emily's Guide to Modern Life: How Not to Get Flipped Off."

did not think it was possible to heart Joel McHale more than I previously did...and then I saw the Physical Education episode. DUDE.

is a cat whisperer.

sleeps in a She-Ra: Princess of Power tshirt.

has adopted a Stephanie Plum approach to life: when all else fails, go with big hair and an extra swipe of mascara.

is wearing two different socks today. Oh yeah, and still has a boat for sell.

thinks now that we have Lady Gaga to gaga at, Madonna seems pretty vanilla.

heard the song "Diamonds on the Inside" by Ben Harper this morning and instantly wondered if that is what motivated Jennifer Love Hewitt to vajazzle herself.

is all out of clever statuses.

 (January 2010 - present)