DOUBT *

Eww, I wrote that nasty word. Something has happened to me between 2005 and 2009 2011. Oh yeah, it's the fact that I have a wonderful child at home and the desperation factor is missing this time. Don't get me wrong, my desire to expand our family and our journey to our daughter is strong, but the desperation being absent does make a difference. And honestly I hoped this would be the case. I did not think there could be anyway this time could be as hard based on the hope that the desperation would be gone.

It is proving to be harder at this stage than I anticipated, though. That desperation the first time turned into adrenaline which turned into efficiency and a bit of denial about the biggest roadblock for us: THE MONEY. Prepare yourself, you will hear about THE MONEY for the rest of this journey and until all loans etc. have been paid off years from now. THE MONEY is paralyzing. And the memory of what it took last time, coupled with the knowledge that there is no way to make the kind of sacrifices we did last time, makes me want to curl up in the fetal position and chant over and over, "Sure, Elliott can just be an only child." Last time I sold my car and drove a free car that my parents were uber generous to provide. Last time I got a second job on Saturdays at a flower shop. Last time I organized the biggest yard sale of all time and rolled pennies for days. Last time my in-laws came through at the end with 1/3 of the money -- HUGE. And this time? This time the country is [recovering from] in a recession. This time I cannot take on a second job unless it's selling something or online. I can't leave Elliott on Saturdays nor would I want to. We do only have 1 car payment currently, so that's something.

I should have already turned our initial application back in, but I was waiting for the $500 $300 application fee to magically be handed to me*. And don't laugh, but while I was traveling for work in New Orleans, I convinced myself that I could win big at Harrah's. That was the answer! [Recall I also had this feeling in Las Vegas in November 2009 - here and here.] Guess what. It rained that night, and no one would walk over with me. So that ridiculous dream died very shortly after it was hatched. Then I returned home to find a letter saying our escrow account for our mortgage had nearly a $1200 shortage and that our house payment would be going up $200/month for the next year. And I pretty much rolled over and said to myself, "That's it. We won't be able to adopt now. There is no money, the timing is not right. I give up." But I really didn't give up. I called and called and called until the error (YES, it was an error!) was corrected. So now I find myself pondering the following huge question all the time:

Are we facing obstacles because God is trying to tell us it is not the right time/location/circumstances, or are we facing obstacles because this is what God wants so the devil is trying to prevent it?

I must confess, I wish it wasn't this hard. I wish I could say, "We are going to adopt again!" and THE MONEY would just be there. I wish I could have the normal worries of paying off a hospital bill after insurance and thinking about increasing the budget for diapers, formula and daycare. And I have to say, on a weak day, it makes me very angry that my decision includes having to think about $30k+.

* Editor's note: This post was written 7-8-09. Some edits were made above.