Pride Cometh Before the Fall. Literally.

Last fall I almost signed up to be on our work co-rec softball team, but this inner voice said do you really want to give your coworkers ammunition against you? But this spring, I took the leap and joined the team. And after each of the 5 regular season games (2-3 record), I would come home and upon Doug asking me how it went I would reply, "Well, I didn't embarrass myself." And in our final regular season game, I had the best hit all night. I was feeling good about my overall season performance. And then came last night's championship game.

We started out gang busters, looking like a real team. And then there was the inning where we looked like the out of shape older staffers we are. We had good, we had baaaad. My high point came when the pitcher and I (I was playing 3rd) got a girl out in a rundown. It was awesome. Not long after, though, came the moment that I wish I could undo. Hitting the ball yet again to the 6'5" shortstop, I was trying to beat out the throw to 1st base. I was running as fast as my overweight self would allow. But then my mental determination pushed me faster. Unfortunately, that big brain (ha) must have made me top heavy and my feet began to stumble. Head over heals I tumbled BEFORE I ever got to the base. For those team members in the dugout watching, it looked like I tripped over 1st base. That would have been less embarrassing than tripping over air. And tumbling like only a fat girl can tumble. Covered in red clay. Female 1st baseman from other team all "ARE YOU OK??" My boss, who was coaching 1st, was there to help me up. Because that is what every embarrassed person needs. Their BOSS being the one to pick them up, to have seen the fall from a closeness that no one should have to witness. And damn it hurt. I imagine it will hurt for many a day to come.

After I dropped Jack off and headed home, the tears started. Not so much for the embarrassment, though that was part of it. But every bad thought I have about my current physical state, or lack thereof, became tied up in that moment. My fat, my out of shape, my lack of oxygen, my inability to lose more than 5 lbs even though I've now been working out for 12 weeks this Thursday. All of it rolled and tumbled in that red clay. And I am not sure I have ever felt worse about myself.

When I got home to my 2 sleeping guys, I was thankful for being able to skulk into the bathroom unnoticed and soak in a long, hot bath. I added Spongebob bubbles to cheer myself up.