Help Wanted: Exorcist

Married white female seeks Exorcist to cast out the demons from the males in her life. See full job description below.

So yesterday Chicken woke up in a fowl mood (HA! Pun intended). Completely illogical. "I want juice"..."Go get me your cup"...NOOOO, I WANT JUUUUICE" So I ignored him and went and took my shower. Well, he took that royal fit on a five room tour of the house for a good 20 minutes. And I just wanted to say, "Hey kid, read the manual; this is only effective if I'm witnessing it. Your galant theatrics are wasted if I"m in the shower." Geez. So after the shower, he got his cup, and he got some juice. Like that was so hard. So then he requested to watch Thomas the Train. Ok, who introduced my kid to these videos? Because they have an appointment with me and a rubber hose (oh gosh, my father's warped sense of humor just vomitted out of my mouth). I mean, he's had the toys for years, but he'd never seen the video until recently. If you can even call it a video. It's toys with horrific claymation faces. Frightening. And the trains are always mad at each other. How is this a good educational experience? I'm to the point of smashing it and telling him that it's lost. I mean, I'm just not mature enough for a dialogue that includes, "'That train is fast,' tooted Thomas." No, it's too much. Plastic non-movie characters, claymation faces and "tooted Thomas" is just too many strikes rolled into one. I'd rather watch Barney. Seriously.

Next up, Carl Wheezer. While I am very proud that he is pursuing an Olympic gold medal in his sport, he has got to move Jingly Ball practice to a time other than midnight to 5 am. And I'm not sure his diet of Q-tips from the bathroom garbage can is going to be as beneficial as Wheaties. I'm just saying. I am proud to report that he gave up his dream of being a diver; two falls into the toilet reminded him that he does not like water. Wait, stop the presses, Priss just slipped me a note: "Tell Carl Wheezer to stop attacking me and jumping on my head or I'm going to kill him in his sleep while you are at work." Noted.

Finally, Doug. Yesterday when this blog was intended for I only had two requests for Doug: make him not so tired and not so grouchy ALL the time. I mean, if I'm the perky one in the house, something ain't right. Can I get an "AMEN!"? But, if you will reference today's next post, you will see I have a new request: A MEMORY.

Apply at the former tomato house on Broad Street. I'll pay you in old magazines.