Pick up the phone! It's me calling!

My new sister-in-law's married name bears a shocking resemblance to my name as it was pre-marriage.  So when I put it in my phone, I made sure to add her maiden name also so it wouldn't look so odd to me.  You know, in case the phone should ring and I think my 1999 self were calling.  So in the "If I could write a letter to myself" style, what would my 1999 self be calling to say?  A few thoughts:

Wow, why are you so fat and out of shape?

What do you mean you have credit card debt?

YOU NO LONGER DRINK DR. PEPPER?!?

I see your housekeeping prowess hasn't improved.

Wait, you drive WHAT? (Contributed by Sara)

It is time to fully embrace reality.

What would YOUR 1999 self say to you?

Editor's note:
Leigh-Ann, my NABWW (New Age Barren Work Wife) says the following were missing:

How awesome is it to still be with the man you love? 

How does it feel to finally be a mom?

Do you enjoy being a homeowner?

Did you know you would love a work wife so much? ;)

Hmm, an optimist amongst us.