What Happened?

I'm sure the level of introspection that follows is due to the class reunion that is one week away. But I was laying in bed last night going, "What happened? How did I let myself go like this? Why did I not do something? Why have I not done something? Why am I so lazy and crazy in the head?"

I was born a healthy newborn. I was a fat toddler, but then I become a healthy, average child. Though I never felt thin since my older brother is a skinny freak of nature. Adolescence brought hips and no boobs, leaving me self-conscious about my odd proportions. But I was athletic and muscular and that helped. And I didn't exercise....I played team sports. Guess what? When you quit playing team sports, you have to figure out how to exercise on your own! And I failed that challenge. I went to college and DIDN'T gain the freshman 15, so I guess that gave me some false confidence. And then I got married. And then I purchased a fun house mirror which refused to let me see that I was gaining weight. It was like the reverse of what an anorexic person sees when they look in the mirror. And I know this sounds stupid, but it's like I woke up one day and was like, "Oh shit, where did all these extra pounds come from? Why is it that I'm at Old Navy with Sara buying a whole new wardrobe of pants in this size that is unimaginable to me?" And why did I let that pant size go up again. And then I had to switch brand and style of pants to stay in that size. WTF? What happened? Though with the weight did come the coveted boobs. And do you know what that is called? NEGATIVE REINFORCEMENT.

My list of excuses is pretty long, not that that is helping matters. And you know, all the 12 step programs teach that acceptance is the first step. I have accepted that I am fat. What I haven't accepted is that I have to take responsibility for it and do something about it. And it will be hard. And I will have to say NO. And I will have to FOREVER give up the Dr. Pepper. And then I will have to be locked in a padded room. I hope it has a view.