Here we go again? *

Let's see. Where to begin. I am almost certain that I will not share this blog with anyone for awhile; compare it to those first few days of pregnancy when most people clutch that special secret to their chest, and for just a little bit, want to savor it. Also, I'm not sure I can endure the questions for as long a period of time this round. But I do want to have a record of how our 2nd adoption journey began. Well, officially. Because it's hard to say truly when it began when, in fact, it has never ended. Even though there were trying days (the Terrible Twos!) when I could not in that moment imagine dealing with more than one child, I knew that eventually we would walk this path again. Wait, that is much too picturesque wording for this process. I now get partly to explain this blog's title before I intended to (can you tell I'm letting my emotions write this post? nothing premeditated here).

There is no walking the path of adoption. It is like climbing Mt. Everest. You know that what is at the top is what you seek, and that it is totally worth the strenuous activity, but you never know until you are climbing just how tough it will be. I could insert a slew of analogies here, but I think you get the picture.

There is so much I want to say. I'm not sure I'll adequately get it all out of me in this first post. But I will in time. Oh how I needed a blog in 2005-2006! Then again, how very interesting it would have been to have begun a journal in 2002, or even earlier. I wish I had traced every thought along the way. I think it would have been helpful to others who will follow.

Ok, I'm going to try and answer questions I remember from the 1st journey:

• Why international? Why not domestic?
• How did you choose the country?
• How did you choose your agency?

Why international? Why not domestic?
Well, let me first say this: I am a big believer in gut feelings. Sometimes, as my relationship with God is far from perfect (I am human, after all), it takes me a long time to realize that in hindsight, I was hearing God. I need reminding of this often. So here is what I do. I read...and read...and read some more. And I "listen" for what seems right. I keep a pulse on the community of adoption. I may not watch and read CNN/Fox News/(insert your favorite news source here), but by gosh I am in tune with adoption news. I receive several monthly email updates from various agencies. So when the mood strikes me (whether from Heavenly prompting or work boredom), I check out all my favorite sights and see what's new, what's slowed down, etc.

Since the devastation of Guatemala closing (not ready to talk fully about this yet), I have thought, "What now? What will we do? Where will we go?" On several occasions I have been heard saying, "If Guatemala was open, we would already be on the list." But alas, it is not to be right now. I revisited my old research. China? South Korea? Taiwan?! A year or two ago, Taiwan seemed like the answer. But the timing wasn't right. And now, the slow down in China* (A THREE YEAR WAITING LIST?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!) has initiated a domino affect with Taiwan with most agencies temporarily suspending new applications. Ok, for a brief period I said, "Gee, 3 years is ok. We'll be ready by then." Hmm, net worth not so much. And then the 3 year thing just really started to sit badly with me. Ok, how about we revisit South Korea? Oh yeah, I remember the look Doug gets when you mention that we would have to be open to a child with medical problems.

Sigh. Wait. Read. Sigh some more. Get mad. Think about options that I had previously discarded (not ready to talk about that either). Sigh. Ok, let me read up on domestic again.

So I requested more information packets (I have this secret belief that I'm going to eventually be blackballed for requesting too much info). And I reread it all, trying to keep an open mind. But the answer came back the same: nope, not for us. 

Sigh. Wait. Read. Sigh some more. Get mad.

I'll skip ahead and say I guess it's the hope I feel when I read about international that reminds me this is our journey.

How will I know when I'm ready? (self-inserted question)
I asked myself this question many, many times. I thought about how old I would like Elliott to be when he became a big brother. I started talking to Doug about a 2nd child not long after Elliott turned 3. But Doug would get the crazy eyes that screamed out, "NOT READY YET!" I kept reminding him that ours is a long journey, and not one that we are in charge of the timeframe. Being as I'm the big picture person, I feel entitled to try and convince him of these things. Come on, Adam, just eat the apple!

I'm currently following a friend in LA's adoption, so that may have been part of my readiness factor. Being back "in" on the process felt like being back with the old gang (I know, that's corny, but it's the best way I have to explain it). And though I ache for them while they are waiting, I get this rush of adrenaline that just can't be explained if you haven't felt it. So I became suspicious that I was more ready then I was willing to admit. To my infertile friends I say, remember how you used to justify not having a baby yet? Ah, yes. It seems it was happening again. So I started thinking, "If I had a plan, would I be ready?" And in secret, I began to slowly acknowledge I was. Oh but then the Devil would intervene: NO MONEY! NO COUNTRY! NO MONEY! NO DOUG ON BOARD!

Not only had a country not been revealed to me, but I was still unsettled by Doug's adamant stance of wanting a girl. I just have a real problem with checking the girl box over either. I have read way too many articles about boys needing families. And let's face it, I love boys. How was I going to make peace with this decision?

Sigh. Wait. Read. Sigh some more. Get mad.

On Tuesday, June 9, I hit a low spot. I was feeling so lost (hence the Lost at Sea post). And then on Wednesday, June 10, a funny thing happened. One of my regular email newsletters arrived in my inbox. I began my familiar process of going to that agency's website, checking out the countries, seeing if there were any new options. Hmm, I don't remember that being there. No new applications accepted at this time. Hmm, why would it be new but not accepting applications? Seems like a near bye agency at one time had a program in that country before adoptions were suspended there. Is it back open? Navigate to their site. And I find that it is in fact open. I can't breathe. I'm afraid to read the bulleted facts that something will not match up. But it does.

How did you choose your country? How did you choose your agency?
Well, in case you haven't caught on to a pattern here, I READ A LOT ABOUT ADOPTION. And this process is of course related, as not all agencies work in all countries. It's like a puzzle. Our former agency, who I have a deep love for, does not currently offer any programs that I believe will work for us. But I am excited about the possibility of using a MS agency! Just think, I could drive up there and freak out in person! HA!

Doug and I have an information meeting there on Monday (6-15-09). I believe I will wait until after that meeting for the big reveal.

Thank you for joining me. This treck promises to be a good one.

* Editor's note: This post was written 6-12-09. Some edits have been made above. At this point, no agency decision has been made for the renewed 2011 journey.