Private Property

Well, seems like it may be time to go to invited readers only :(

If you enjoy reading my rambles, please comment below and I will add you (gladly!).

Faith, Hope, Love

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.  
--1 Corinthians 13:13

Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.  
--Martin Luther King

Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul...
--Emily Dickinson

 

BrainBook

For reasons you would either not understand or just think were lame, I decided to compile a list of what I consider to be my most amusing/clever Facebook statuses.  Here is another glimpse into my brain:

has the hots for the Allstate mayhem guy.

declared today a little-chocolate-doughnuts-breakfast-of-champions kind of day.

just finished an epic light saber battle in the kitchen.

sometimes wishes I had a diagram of my mental wonderings.

is apparently a Distance Learning Enthusiast. Where is my cape?

knows with authority that camo boots make great car cupholders.

- "I'm anti-Bella. I hate that bitch." --JDE 3

is playing the part of Samantha from SATC today - but only from that awful chemical peel episode.

- the snow cynic has been silenced.

woke to the sounds of a bird revolution.

is drinking the Leigh-Ann kool-aid.

Phillip caught her 1st mouse last night and proudly showed it to me this morning. I am now being forced to congratulate her repeatedly and suffer through her cocky swagger.

rocked an Oscar the Grouch ski hat to the Christmas parade last night. Hot mess? Yes. Warm? Yes!

has a magical highlighter.

misses the good ole' days - aka the stupid ole' days - when payday used to be exciting.

is raising a teenager in the form of a 6-lb cat named Phillip.

just saw my past flash before my eyes. Shiver.

fears I'm destined to be frumptastic for the rest of my life.

has now taken my shirt off 2x in the work bathroom this morning. What other fun things will this day hold!

has musical tourettes. I blame Enrique.

is missing my Goofy Frank Halloween mug today. Another victim of my clumsiness. RIP Goofy Frank.

used to dream of becoming rich and famous so I could have a professional hairstylist at my beck and call. Now I dream of having someone follow me around with a lint brush.

is wearing a dress today. Yes, it is shocking. No, I am not going to an interview nor to a funeral. My wachine machine is holding my jeans hostage. Thank you for playing.

used to wear different socks out of convenience, now I do it to annoy Doug.

does an amazing Cookie Monster impersonation.

has hair that laughs in the face of frizz control products.

is no longer Swedish.

needs a 12-step program for chocolate. And I'm fairly certain I have had this status before.

thinks that if my last name was Jolly, I would name a kid Roger. That way, when his name was written Last name, First name, the teacher would have to call: Jolly, Roger.

made a list of all the household projects that need to be tackled, so I can be prepared should I unexpectantly win the lottery.

sometimes eats yogurt with a fork.

twice in just a few weeks I've seen a giant toothbrush on campus. Perplexing and enjoyable at the same time.

is very tired today due to Phillip and her exuberant play during the night with a lone fishing cork.

...chefs and designers and Joel McHale, oh my! The satellite has returned and is fantastic!

weighed my backpack last night.

would like to harm the person who brought the smell of bacon to work. SNIFF = WONDERFUL.

likes apples and bananas.

wonders how many consecutive years I can win the Worst Housekeeper of the Year award? I mean, I'm pleased with the 10-year streak, but I wonder if maybe someone else deserves a shot at the trophy? It's a really nice trophy. Anyone want it?

- (Lean Pocket + an apple + skim milk) - (the pleasure of dining out with friends) = Grumpy Emily

has a Diet Pepsi can convention in my car. Party within.

wants to break up with Monday.

gets really pissed off at bad gas station etiquette. Forget Emily Post, I'm going to write "Emily's Guide to Modern Life: How Not to Get Flipped Off."

did not think it was possible to heart Joel McHale more than I previously did...and then I saw the Physical Education episode. DUDE.

is a cat whisperer.

sleeps in a She-Ra: Princess of Power tshirt.

has adopted a Stephanie Plum approach to life: when all else fails, go with big hair and an extra swipe of mascara.

is wearing two different socks today. Oh yeah, and still has a boat for sell.

thinks now that we have Lady Gaga to gaga at, Madonna seems pretty vanilla.

heard the song "Diamonds on the Inside" by Ben Harper this morning and instantly wondered if that is what motivated Jennifer Love Hewitt to vajazzle herself.

is all out of clever statuses.

 (January 2010 - present)

The Summons

Will you come and follow me if I but call your name? 
Will you go where you don't know and never be the same?
Will you let my love be shown? Will you let my name be known,
will you let my life be grown in you and you in me?

Will you leave yourself behind if I but call your name?
Will you care for cruel and kind and never be the same?
Will you risk the hostile stare should your life attract or scare?
Will you let me answer prayer in you and you in me?

Will you let the blinded see if I but call your name?
Will you set the prisoners free and never be the same?
Will you kiss the leper clean and do such as this unseen,
and admit to what I mean in you and you in me?

Will you love the "you" you hide if I but call your name?
Will you quell the fear inside and never be the same?
Will you use the faith you've found to reshape the world around,
through my sight and touch and sound in you and you in me?

Lord your summons echoes true when you but call my name.
Let me turn and follow you and never be the same.
In Your company I'll go where Your love and footsteps show.
Thus I'll move and live and grow in you and you in me.. 

--Catholic hymn

Ditch!

Nope, that's not my attempt at a substitute curse word.  

It's Elliott's new pet!

 

 

 

 

 

Phillip loves wants to eat him.
She has spent hours protecting (her investment in) him.  

He is not amused.

And now discouraged *

Geez, two consecutive posts and I've titled them Doubt and Discouraged. Not a good sign. Just went out and read a few blogs of those parents who are adopting from Nepal. Some have received referrals, some have submitted their dossiers, but nothing is moving. Since opening back up in January 2009, no child has come home. The political upheaval and the need for a new Minister seem to have brought it to a standstill. And so these poor parents wait. And parents like us wonder, "Should we even apply?"

Can you feel the heartbreak? Can you feel the frustration with the roadblocks that the few options we have in international adoption are causing?

Please pray for these families. Pray for international adoption. But mostly pray for the orphans.

* Editor's note: This post was written 7-9-09. The situation in Nepal got slightly better only to get much worse by August 2010.  The State Department went on to suspend (abandonment) adoptions there.  Wonderfully, a Starkville family did bring their son home from Nepal just a month or two ago. 

Interesting that the 2009 roadblocks were indeed signs, so I say.  Nepal was not the answer for us.  So we waited.  And here we are, 2 years later...poised with toes on the edge of the diving board, contemplating.  Gripping the edge, lacking the nerve to jump.

DOUBT *

Eww, I wrote that nasty word. Something has happened to me between 2005 and 2009 2011. Oh yeah, it's the fact that I have a wonderful child at home and the desperation factor is missing this time. Don't get me wrong, my desire to expand our family and our journey to our daughter is strong, but the desperation being absent does make a difference. And honestly I hoped this would be the case. I did not think there could be anyway this time could be as hard based on the hope that the desperation would be gone.

It is proving to be harder at this stage than I anticipated, though. That desperation the first time turned into adrenaline which turned into efficiency and a bit of denial about the biggest roadblock for us: THE MONEY. Prepare yourself, you will hear about THE MONEY for the rest of this journey and until all loans etc. have been paid off years from now. THE MONEY is paralyzing. And the memory of what it took last time, coupled with the knowledge that there is no way to make the kind of sacrifices we did last time, makes me want to curl up in the fetal position and chant over and over, "Sure, Elliott can just be an only child." Last time I sold my car and drove a free car that my parents were uber generous to provide. Last time I got a second job on Saturdays at a flower shop. Last time I organized the biggest yard sale of all time and rolled pennies for days. Last time my in-laws came through at the end with 1/3 of the money -- HUGE. And this time? This time the country is [recovering from] in a recession. This time I cannot take on a second job unless it's selling something or online. I can't leave Elliott on Saturdays nor would I want to. We do only have 1 car payment currently, so that's something.

I should have already turned our initial application back in, but I was waiting for the $500 $300 application fee to magically be handed to me*. And don't laugh, but while I was traveling for work in New Orleans, I convinced myself that I could win big at Harrah's. That was the answer! [Recall I also had this feeling in Las Vegas in November 2009 - here and here.] Guess what. It rained that night, and no one would walk over with me. So that ridiculous dream died very shortly after it was hatched. Then I returned home to find a letter saying our escrow account for our mortgage had nearly a $1200 shortage and that our house payment would be going up $200/month for the next year. And I pretty much rolled over and said to myself, "That's it. We won't be able to adopt now. There is no money, the timing is not right. I give up." But I really didn't give up. I called and called and called until the error (YES, it was an error!) was corrected. So now I find myself pondering the following huge question all the time:

Are we facing obstacles because God is trying to tell us it is not the right time/location/circumstances, or are we facing obstacles because this is what God wants so the devil is trying to prevent it?

I must confess, I wish it wasn't this hard. I wish I could say, "We are going to adopt again!" and THE MONEY would just be there. I wish I could have the normal worries of paying off a hospital bill after insurance and thinking about increasing the budget for diapers, formula and daycare. And I have to say, on a weak day, it makes me very angry that my decision includes having to think about $30k+.

* Editor's note: This post was written 7-8-09. Some edits were made above.

Just jump! *

In case you don't know me very well, let me just tell you that I'm a very visual person. So imagine I'm standing on the side of the swimming pool, and I'm 3 years old. I took swimming lessons when I was 3, which considering I now have a 3 [5] year old seems crazy amazing that I took lessons at that age. Anyway, I remember being required to jump in and swim some length. And I stood up there and whined and whined and procrastinated. I don't know why I was being such a chicken that day as I have always loved to swim, but that day I just could not get over my fear of leaping into that pool. Deep down I knew I could do it, but I could not get the message to the correct parts of my body. Just jump! Just go!

That is how I find myself after having committed to some degree already to this 2nd journey. We've been to the first meeting, I have the information for the initial application...and I have not worked on that application in the last week. My mom said, "Well, just tell me when you do start so I won't keep asking." Sheesh, no pressure. So I know what the problem is. Or should I say problems. One, I remember EXACTLY HOW HARD THIS IS GOING TO BE. And two and more prominently on my mind, I remember HOW HARD IT IS TO COME UP WITH $30k. And I am paralyzed by the $. Last time I had some savings to start with. I could make drastic life changes like getting a 2nd job. I can't do that this time, I have a 3 [5] year old who needs me. In all honesty, I can't even turn in the initial application until I come up with $500 $300*. Which I guess I should put into perspective that we are going on vacation in a few weeks, so don't feel too sorry for me. But I have no idea what to do this time. I am trying to live by the verse I had taped to my fridge last time:

"But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus." -- Philippians 4:19

Breathe in, breathe out. Think happy money appearing thoughts...

* Editor's note: This post was written 6-23-09. Some edits were made above. Don't worry, the negativity will take a turn soon.  Hang with me! 

Pass the Kumquats

In the Chinese Zodiac, 2011 is the Year of the  Rabbit, which begins on February 3, 2011 and ends on January 22, 2012.  

The Rabbit is a lucky sign.  Rabbits are private individuals and a bit introverted.  People born in the Year of the Rabbit are reasonably friendly individuals who enjoy the company of a group of good friends.  They are good teachers, counselors and communicators, but also need their own space.

Kumquats are given as gifts and eaten for luck at this time of renewed HOPE for the future.

Alohomora

She's trying to bust free.

Rollercoaster...of love *

I hope that title made you sing the Red Hot Chili Peppers song because I'm mentally jamming out to it.

I wonder if it's a coincidence that right after writing the first post I got a call to keep my cousin's baby overnight last weekend. And as Doug was out of town, I got a sneak peak into what having two small children will be like. And I was exhausted! But not enough to be dissuaded from our meeting on Monday. And I just wish I had a video of me talking, talking, talking and Doug just quietly sitting there. I let the case worker get a few words in, but mostly I talked. :)

But I felt so confirmed in this decision when we left [the agency] on Monday. Doug didn't have the crazy eyes UNTIL we were talking with the executive director on the way out. And I posed Doug's 2nd most asked question: "How long is the flight?" And when he responded "17 hours going, 13 coming home," I thought I might lose Doug. In fact, Doug's finest hour it was not when we took ONE STEP outside the door and he exclaimed, "HOLY S***!" Geez, Doug, could you remember where we are for heaven's sake???

All the way home I quizzed Doug, trying to make sure I wasn't setting off on a path he was not comfortable with. I hit him from every angle I could think of. And in taking this first step, I allowed myself for the first time in three [six] years to fully remember how hard this journey will be. And I cried. I'm sure it will be the first of many to come.

So, I think we are Nepal China baby bound! Paperwork, $, waiting...here we go again!

* Editor's note: This post was written 6-18-09. Some edits have been made above.  I recently repeated the quiz-Doug endeavor to assess his readiness.  Flight anxiety notwithstanding, he's a go!

Hello, Pot!

Unfortunately, I am not known as a great housekeeper.  But let the record show that I am not the only one in our house who is messy and unorganized.  Here is a peak at one spot on the hubs' dresser:

Now, please note what is directly behind that hat full of coins...

...Yep, that's right, the coin bucket.  Really, Doug?  Really?

Here we go again? *

Let's see. Where to begin. I am almost certain that I will not share this blog with anyone for awhile; compare it to those first few days of pregnancy when most people clutch that special secret to their chest, and for just a little bit, want to savor it. Also, I'm not sure I can endure the questions for as long a period of time this round. But I do want to have a record of how our 2nd adoption journey began. Well, officially. Because it's hard to say truly when it began when, in fact, it has never ended. Even though there were trying days (the Terrible Twos!) when I could not in that moment imagine dealing with more than one child, I knew that eventually we would walk this path again. Wait, that is much too picturesque wording for this process. I now get partly to explain this blog's title before I intended to (can you tell I'm letting my emotions write this post? nothing premeditated here).

There is no walking the path of adoption. It is like climbing Mt. Everest. You know that what is at the top is what you seek, and that it is totally worth the strenuous activity, but you never know until you are climbing just how tough it will be. I could insert a slew of analogies here, but I think you get the picture.

There is so much I want to say. I'm not sure I'll adequately get it all out of me in this first post. But I will in time. Oh how I needed a blog in 2005-2006! Then again, how very interesting it would have been to have begun a journal in 2002, or even earlier. I wish I had traced every thought along the way. I think it would have been helpful to others who will follow.

Ok, I'm going to try and answer questions I remember from the 1st journey:

• Why international? Why not domestic?
• How did you choose the country?
• How did you choose your agency?

Why international? Why not domestic?
Well, let me first say this: I am a big believer in gut feelings. Sometimes, as my relationship with God is far from perfect (I am human, after all), it takes me a long time to realize that in hindsight, I was hearing God. I need reminding of this often. So here is what I do. I read...and read...and read some more. And I "listen" for what seems right. I keep a pulse on the community of adoption. I may not watch and read CNN/Fox News/(insert your favorite news source here), but by gosh I am in tune with adoption news. I receive several monthly email updates from various agencies. So when the mood strikes me (whether from Heavenly prompting or work boredom), I check out all my favorite sights and see what's new, what's slowed down, etc.

Since the devastation of Guatemala closing (not ready to talk fully about this yet), I have thought, "What now? What will we do? Where will we go?" On several occasions I have been heard saying, "If Guatemala was open, we would already be on the list." But alas, it is not to be right now. I revisited my old research. China? South Korea? Taiwan?! A year or two ago, Taiwan seemed like the answer. But the timing wasn't right. And now, the slow down in China* (A THREE YEAR WAITING LIST?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!) has initiated a domino affect with Taiwan with most agencies temporarily suspending new applications. Ok, for a brief period I said, "Gee, 3 years is ok. We'll be ready by then." Hmm, net worth not so much. And then the 3 year thing just really started to sit badly with me. Ok, how about we revisit South Korea? Oh yeah, I remember the look Doug gets when you mention that we would have to be open to a child with medical problems.

Sigh. Wait. Read. Sigh some more. Get mad. Think about options that I had previously discarded (not ready to talk about that either). Sigh. Ok, let me read up on domestic again.

So I requested more information packets (I have this secret belief that I'm going to eventually be blackballed for requesting too much info). And I reread it all, trying to keep an open mind. But the answer came back the same: nope, not for us. 

Sigh. Wait. Read. Sigh some more. Get mad.

I'll skip ahead and say I guess it's the hope I feel when I read about international that reminds me this is our journey.

How will I know when I'm ready? (self-inserted question)
I asked myself this question many, many times. I thought about how old I would like Elliott to be when he became a big brother. I started talking to Doug about a 2nd child not long after Elliott turned 3. But Doug would get the crazy eyes that screamed out, "NOT READY YET!" I kept reminding him that ours is a long journey, and not one that we are in charge of the timeframe. Being as I'm the big picture person, I feel entitled to try and convince him of these things. Come on, Adam, just eat the apple!

I'm currently following a friend in LA's adoption, so that may have been part of my readiness factor. Being back "in" on the process felt like being back with the old gang (I know, that's corny, but it's the best way I have to explain it). And though I ache for them while they are waiting, I get this rush of adrenaline that just can't be explained if you haven't felt it. So I became suspicious that I was more ready then I was willing to admit. To my infertile friends I say, remember how you used to justify not having a baby yet? Ah, yes. It seems it was happening again. So I started thinking, "If I had a plan, would I be ready?" And in secret, I began to slowly acknowledge I was. Oh but then the Devil would intervene: NO MONEY! NO COUNTRY! NO MONEY! NO DOUG ON BOARD!

Not only had a country not been revealed to me, but I was still unsettled by Doug's adamant stance of wanting a girl. I just have a real problem with checking the girl box over either. I have read way too many articles about boys needing families. And let's face it, I love boys. How was I going to make peace with this decision?

Sigh. Wait. Read. Sigh some more. Get mad.

On Tuesday, June 9, I hit a low spot. I was feeling so lost (hence the Lost at Sea post). And then on Wednesday, June 10, a funny thing happened. One of my regular email newsletters arrived in my inbox. I began my familiar process of going to that agency's website, checking out the countries, seeing if there were any new options. Hmm, I don't remember that being there. No new applications accepted at this time. Hmm, why would it be new but not accepting applications? Seems like a near bye agency at one time had a program in that country before adoptions were suspended there. Is it back open? Navigate to their site. And I find that it is in fact open. I can't breathe. I'm afraid to read the bulleted facts that something will not match up. But it does.

How did you choose your country? How did you choose your agency?
Well, in case you haven't caught on to a pattern here, I READ A LOT ABOUT ADOPTION. And this process is of course related, as not all agencies work in all countries. It's like a puzzle. Our former agency, who I have a deep love for, does not currently offer any programs that I believe will work for us. But I am excited about the possibility of using a MS agency! Just think, I could drive up there and freak out in person! HA!

Doug and I have an information meeting there on Monday (6-15-09). I believe I will wait until after that meeting for the big reveal.

Thank you for joining me. This treck promises to be a good one.

* Editor's note: This post was written 6-12-09. Some edits have been made above. At this point, no agency decision has been made for the renewed 2011 journey.

Seussical Wisdom

Be who you are 

and say what you feel 

because those who mind don't matter 

and those who matter don't mind.

--Dr. Seuss