Searching for My Jillian Moment

I've spent a lot of time since watching Season 8 of The Biggest Loser searching for my Jillian moment. My breakthrough, if you will. Hoping and praying I can figure it out so I can make some progress. And I'm not the only one because I've had this same conversation with no less than 3 other people in the same time span. I can make a list of lots of SYMPTOMS, but I'm having a harder time finding the CAUSE. Here are some symptoms that I know run amok in me:

• Lazy
• Tired
• Stressed
• Put other priorities ahead of exercise
• Work a desk job
• Fear of failure
  

You get the idea. These symptoms helped me put the weight on, and they help me keep it on. But what about the question that haunts me: WHAT HAPPENED?

I think I have identified 3 major areas that, if they are not causes, then they are very close to the root. And if they are not, then I'll have to search even harder and longer. Here goes.

1. Work-related stress that consumes other aspects of life.
   I know, everyone is stressed from time to time. I get that. But I'm talking about pervasive stress that poisons the rest of life. For several years, I would leave a job that was disappointing and sometimes demeaning, and go home and just be a slug...every day. It sucked the life out of me. So not only did I sit all day, and get that stress hormone cortisol activated, but without hope for change, I just went into hibernation. Watch TV, read books, be sedentary, escape life.
   
   
2. Emotional sabotage.
   Sounds serious, huh? For nearly 11 years now and averaging once a week, I have attended lunches and suppers where the MIL has made food a weapon. "Why are you not eating (insert name of dish here)? Do you not like my dish? Is there something wrong with my dish? How about some dessert? Why not? How about a snack?" BUT then counteracting it with gifts of clothes that are ALWAYS A SIZE TOO SMALL and comments such as "Well, I HOPE what I bought you will fit." And then there was that time at a funeral after I had lost my Weight Watchers weight, and she made a big deal to my mom about how good I looked now that I had lost the weight. I can tell by the animosity in me as I type this that this is a serious contender.
   
   
3. The Infertility.
   I think this is the Big Mama (no pun intended). Still peeling back the layers on this one.

Someone sent me an email the other day that contained this awesome phrase:
To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.

As I was about to type that maintaining a healthy weight post-(something) is what I haven't had, it just occurred to me that I could say during the adult years. Because really, the bad started with 20-21. So I had a healthy weight childhood, pre-teen and teenage years, and then I hit a major wall. That deserves more contemplation.