A Plague Upon Our House

There is no way that I can adequately describe THE HEAD LICE PLAGUE OF 2009. But I shall try.

I returned home on Tuesday night from NOLA; Doug and Elliott picked me up, I loved on E (naturally), then we all went to La Fiesta. At bedtime, after a bath, he was scratching his head. Now, this is not unusual behavior for him because he has the equivalent of cradle cap and has to use Selsun Blue during the summers. I asked Doug if he had been consistently using the Selsun Blue (no), when Doug uttered this horrific phrase: "You know, when I was putting him in his carseat yesterday, it kinda looked like lice." [side note: YESTERDAY?!? ARE YOU F'ing KIDDING ME???] This is the moment when my week went downhill. I jumped out of bed, turned on the light, and pulled back a segment of hair. Yep, LICE.

HORROR. DISGUST. REVULSION. PANIC. MAD. INSERT ALL APPLICABLE EMOTIONS HERE.

Start frantically pacing. Can't decide who to call first: Mom or Erica. Erica wins out. Luckily, Dalton was clean. I go to Wal-Mart wearing a white t-shirt, black bra, and blue booty shorts from 1997. Pretty picture, huh? Get back with the RID, treat Elliott while Doug treats himself (remember, I've been out of town for 3 nights, I think I MIGHT be immune). After combing and combing and combing and combing some more, realize those little bastard eggs are not coming out. Call Erica back, cash in offer to come over. Now, here is an example of a great friend. She came over at 10 pm and said the hard thing: you need to shave his head. Cue look of complete incomprehension by me, followed by panic, followed nearly by tears. The unspoken interchange was "SHAVE HIS HEAD?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! SHAVE OFF HIS BEAUTIFUL, SILKY, ROCK STAR HAIR THAT EVERYONE ENVIES?!?!" But a true friend stays and calmly repeats the message over and over until the parents face reality and shave his head. But not without bribery (more to come on this).

I slept in Elliott's bed that night hoping to prevent this mass of curly hair from being infected. And I got up the next morning and went and took an Am Gov final exam. And then I searched high and low for the house spray which runs $8/tiny little can. And I spent the next 5 days in utter paranoia and panic that my sanctuary had been breached. Even our cars had to be fumigated. And yes, a handful were found upon this head. Two RID treatments down, 1 more to go. I have broken every rule of clothes washing that I have ever obeyed in my effort to eradicate these prehistoric looking little f-ers. I would not wish them on my worst enemy.