She Heard We Were a Little Strapped for Cash

She feels bad about her expenses, so she has decided to try and earn a few bucks:

Word is Hef and the Pussycat Dolls are very interested in these kitty centerfolds.

What Is the Price of Patience? Can I Take Out a Loan?

I do not get in projecting moods often, but when I do, watch out. If I am in project mode I do not take very well to being interrupted. Last night's project consisted of sorting Elliott's pictures by year and then by month and then by day and then by outfit...and then putting them in photo albums. Yes, I know, old school. But I like the idea of having albums on my bookshelf that visitors can peruse rather than, "Hey, wanna go into the office and rifle through photo CDs?" No, not cool to me. Well, Granna and I were very good photo takers in 2006. His pics from 2006 exceeded two albums. Then I'm looking at the pile of 2007, which is still impressive but nothing like 2006, but then I remember I do have tons of those electronic. Then I look at 2008, and it is pitiful. And then I remembered I have 20 rolls of undeveloped film in the office. I think I'm going to need a loan to finish this project.

Just Call Me Gus Portokalos

What Windex is to Gus, creams are to me. My child has already heard at least hundreds of times in his life, "Let me put some cream on it." Whether it be lotion, Vaseline, eczema cream, you name it, I'll put cream on it. He's like Lucy. He can come up with some funky skin afflictions.

Sharp Shooter

I have complained at least a handful of times in posts about potty training. So now that we are 99% trained (just a few nighttime accidents), here is Fickle Mom complaining yet again. But dude, I thought I taught you to control that thing!? I spent a good deal of time on Saturday on my hands and knees around the potty cleaning. Including walls. Good times.

Simple Memories, Simple Pleasures

Last week when I ran to Fred's to buy much needed toilet paper, I decided to pick up a few canned goods to complete my menu for the week. I needed some lemon juice, and they only had a gargantuan bottle of it. That night when I went to pour my tea and I spotted that bottle, I had the most wonderful memory of the best sweet tea in the world. The recipe follows:

• Large plastic cup
• Fill with ice
• Fill with sweet tea
• Fill with 2 capfuls of lemon juice from large bottle
• SECRET INGREDIENT: Has to be stirred by my daddy's large, work-worn finger.

Best tea ever.

Not For the Faint of Heart

A warning to those who are OCD and/or have clean houses: you might need a paper bag in order to make it through this entire post. And Julianna, please make sure there is a defibrilator nearbye. I cannot be responsible for such a young, fit person having a coronary.

I have a friend who says his family has Flat-surface-itis (kudos PRS). I don't think I can be diagnosed as such because there are places in my house that manage to stay free of crap. And then there are the numerous areas that didn't have a protection charm placed upon them. I prefer to put myself into the Has-a-problem-with-mail-bills-and-paper-in-general-itis:

Breakfast Room Table

Breakfast Room Sideboard

Office View 1

Office View 2

Office View 3

Elliott's Room - Daycare Tree Killers 1

Elliott's Room - Daycare Tree Killers 2

Dining Room

Hall Made Infamous in Previous Post

Kitchen Counter 1

Kitchen Counter 2

My friends and family are probably suffering from contact embarrassment right now. Probably not a good sign that I find it so amusing.

On a side note, though, if you are reading this and have not heard from me in several days, might need to send a bulldozer my way. Could be buried alive.

Meet The Poopers

L to R: Ava, George and Lucy. Oh, and that's Molly in the 2nd row, trying to look as inconspicuous as possible.

This is the story of the dogs, in birth order.

Lucy: Full-blooded Basset Hound, born in late 2000. The first and last dog we will ever pay for. She was my birthday present the first year we were married (January 2001), yet Doug chose her from the litter. I tried to tell him she was a whiner. An emotionally smart dog who is otherwise very stupid (read as: patio pooper). Loves the Vet; of course, if you went to the Vet as much as she did early in her life, you would maybe like it too. Loves attention. Failed miserably as a house dog. Currently lives for the attention of the backyard neighbor who sweet talks her...and perhaps feeds her...through the loose board in the privacy fence.

Molly: Black mutt with hound capabilities aka howling. Poor Molly; Molly is my abused child. Showed up at the apartment (fall 2001? early winter 2002?) after some horrible person who knows where they are going to rot mistreated her. Lived her first 2 weeks with us under the couch. Lucy is her savior. I fear life for Molly if Lucy preceeds her in death. Sweetest dog ever. Would make a great house dog if she didn't follow in Lucy's stupidity. Likes me more than Doug. Has trouble trusting men. Hates electric fences. Neurotic.

George: Faux blue tick mutt. Also a howler. Came to us in the summer of 2002 shortly after we moved into our first house. I brought his mother home, a stray, knowing she was pregnant. Doug nearly killed me/divorced me. She had 3 pups: Bob, Little Girl and George. George was born with a face (and body) only a mother could love. He was white with 3 big black spots on his back. I used to show him off as my ugly puppy. We were very shocked when he changed color and became a faux blue tick. Doug gave the mother away. A couple of weeks later, AFTER treating them for mange which was not fun, he then took the puppies to the Co-op and gave them all away. I cried. A week later, George reappered at the Co-op. He got a permanent pass to stay at that point. Hater of cats.

Ava: Another dog whose appearance totally baffled us. As a puppy she looked like an Ewok. Cutest thing ever. She was a Doug weakness brought home from the Co-op. She then turned into a long haired cocker spaniel-ish mutt. Then we had her clipped the first time: faux schnauzer. The Vet has commented that she must have poodle in her due to her bitchy personality (paraphrase). She is full of doggy estrogen. She is engaged in a life-long battle with Lucy for dominance, and hates George.

We have both sworn that when these 4 dearly beloved four-legged fur babies pass, there will be no more. Dog quota filled for eternity. Or nearly.

Good Things Come In Small Packages

As we were leaving her house last night, this tiny and deceptively-adorable child uttered, "So long, suckers." Yep, that's my niece.

How To Lose An Argument

Man, my house is so bad right now.

Girl, you should see mine. I just got back from a trip!

I knelt in the hallway and sorted mail on the floor last night.

I think you win.

I Think This Calls for the Elephant Gun

Last night was not a good night for me and the checkbook. Or for the other members of my family who are subjected to Crazy Emily when my nerves are strung out. So I'm pacing the house debating my financial dilemma, and I'm noticing how bad I've let the house get. Dishes, clothes, stuff, mail, papers in general. I'm like one step away from losing it if I don't make some progress in all areas soon. And I realized, not for the first time, that all those problems as well as my weight problems through the years all come down to one common element: I AM A LAZY BITCH.

Is there a 12 step program for laziness? If not, could someone please develop one and commit me?! But I don't want some fu-fu name like Promises (alcohol rehab). I want a hard core, kick butt name like, "Lazy Bitches R Us" or something. Maybe they should let the mean lady Jillian from Biggest Loser be the director.

Bathtime Entertainment

While I was out getting embarrassed on the softball field last night, Doug was home doing daddy duty, namely giving E a bath when my mom came by. Mom, alerting them that she was there by yelling, became engaged in a shouting match through the bathroom door with E:

Who is it?
It's Grandmommy.
What you doin'?
I brought Mami's potato salad.
Why?
Just because.
Where you goin'?
Home.
SING THE HOT DOG SONG!

So Grandmommy proceeded to sing the Oscar Meyer commercial jingle to Elliott through the bathroom door. Somebody give that woman an award.

Hopelessly Devoted to You -- Erica!

Yesterday Erica became the 3rd of 4 to join the "Last Year of Our 20s" club. And bless her poor little heart, she had to do so while in Hawaii. It's a hard knock life, for us. And so today, one day later, I want to praise her for the person she is. A good Christian woman, a good wife, a GREAT mother of two, a fantastic pharmacist, and a super duper friend. But more importantly she's a:

Tupperware-tossin', shopping cart caddy movin', 30 second cart fillin', key pokin', lightest sleeper ever, Streisand singin', UPS man frightening, amazing M-F'er.

Love you bunches!!!

Far Away Destinations

• Holly is in D.C. doing a rotation at the army hospital.
• Erica is in HAWAII with her hubby.
• Michelle is coast bound this weekend to see her family and friends.

And where am I headed? To the gym. Destination No More Fatty!

I Heart Mississippi

Sunday, Feb. 15

Sunday, March 1
Damn you, Mississippi weather.