Prequel

In October, known at the time only to my 3 BFFs, we reviewed what's called a "shared" referral from our agency.  A shared referral goes out to families in process via an email.  And I suppose in retrospect that I didn't realize that there must be a reason for releasing a shared referral instead of it being the normal "matched" referral (i.e., the level of severity).  So what I read in an email was that a particular little girl had been born with a spinal tumor but had a successful operation.  Now would be a good time to note that we had NOT marked such a condition on our medical checklist.  But  I looked at that precious face and thought Maybe?  I sent the file to Dr. H, and she confirmed what I thought: she seemed healthy based on the limited information in the email.  So, we asked to review her information, as did several other families.  They gave us a deadline for a decision a few days out, and they sent us more detailed medical information which we sent on to the International Adoption Clinic in Birmingham for review.  Before we ever heard back from IAC, another update was sent to us via email.  That one floored us.  When I look back I wonder how we could have been so confused, but I guess I just wasn't reading between the lines.  I spent those 2-3 days sick to my stomach with the process and my doubts.  After talking with Dr. C in Bham (in the parking lot of Buffalo Wild Wings on the phone), I came to the sad conclusion that we were not prepared to parent this precious girl and her ongoing needs.  My heart broke for her.  And oh the guilt!  The Bham doctor tried to make me feel better by telling me since she was so young that she would likely be matched with another family.  But between the guilt and the fear of the medical information, I spent the next two months practically twitching.