Good Grief

So, apparently it is one week later.  I ate badly all week.  S-I-G-H.  I feel awful, and not just the guilt.  I physically feel awful.  Apparently I am like my mother in yet another way: We have two switches, ON and OFF, ALL or NOTHING.  It's not like I spent the last week allowing myself to have one Diet Coke a day.  Nope, I spent the last week apparently trying to decide if the human body could accommodate several gallons of it a day.  Short of spending time on a therapist's couch, I don't think I can pinpoint why that is. 

But yet, I am committed to starting over yet again, even with a wedding and Memorial Day looming quickly ahead.  I mean, I made it through Easter without cheating!  Where is that girl? 

You know what else is looming ahead?  Beach vacation in July.  Another huge S-I-G-H. 

Penitent

Here I am at what should have been Day 13 completely penitent.  I started the day off with Diet Coke and doughnuts.  I had Wendy's for lunch, and let's just say I didn't have a salad.  But I weighed midday and was shocked to discover I've lost 5 pounds in 13 days (remember that last time I only showed a loss of 3 pounds after 20 days, which I gained back by going crazy for 9 days).  I know this: I will not be binging for 9 days.  I have given myself permission to binge today.  Tomorrow is a good ole' Southern pot luck, so I'll see how that goes.  But come Monday, I'm refocused.

Here is a further breakdown of my Whole30 thoughts.  I know to ask for oil and vinegar even if it's not listed on the menu.  I think I will make this choice often in the future, but I know that sometimes this girl needs ranch dressing.  (PS, Whole30 ranch is one of the worst things I've ever tasted, and one of the few things I've ever deemed completely inedible after making.)  I've become very used to saying "no cheese or croutons", and I think can continue this practice as well. 

I like that as long as I stick to the approved foods, I can eat as much as I want.  I hate portion sizes.  I hate measuring and counting, whether it be carbs or calories.  I hate not feeling full, which always leads me to binging in the end.  I do not like being the only person at an event making healthy choices. 

I like having my eyes opened even more to added ingredients.  I'm pretty sure I will continue making my own taco seasoning.  I'm planning to make my own BBQ sauce this week, which is a Whole30 recipe.  I like that it made me pick up different fresh veggies that I normally don't buy just to get some darn variety.  I've eaten more fruit than I ever have.  I'm rare in that I've always eaten more veggies than fruits. 

And even though I've had a terrible eating day, it's important to note that my coffee was still black this morning :)

Day 12 - BOOM!

Day 12 - Friday, May 10

So you know I've only been drinking 3 beverages -- black coffee, water, and unsweet tea (sometimes caffeinated and sometimes decaf) -- so why in the world I was typing that every day?

Breakfast: Banana

Work Lunch at The Grill: Beef tenderloin kabobs with sweet potato fries

Afternoon snack: Orange

Work Supper from Bulldog Deli: Chef salad with no cheese or croutons and oil & vinegar.  But while ordering for 4 people, I got mad.  I wanted hummus.  My coworkered ordered the hummus salad.  My choices were SALAD with either ham and turkey OR grilled chicken and bacon OR grilled chicken and fruit.  Two pages worth of menu, and I had only a choice of which meat to go on my boring salad.  I further started to unravel.

Then I went to work graduation, which is one of the best parts of my job, especially after the week of "Probation and Suspension and Dismissals, OH MY!"  And amid all the happiness and excitement, I just had enough.  When Angel and left, I teetered on the "will I fall off the wagon" line for about 15 minutes.  I then a took a flying leap :(

We went back to Bulldog Deli and had dessert (chocolate eruption cheesecake for me) and DIET COKE.  The only good news is that I physically couldn't eat the entire piece.  But I did drink 2 huge Diet Cokes.  And then a package of nabs at bedtime.  It's terrible, I know, but I was missing carbs really badly.

Yes, I am disgusted with myself.  So disappointed...again.  But I'm going to see how "paleo" I can move forward from here.  Past Whole30, you can actually have honey, etc.  I will try my best to stop acting like a crazy emotional binger and have some sense.  We shall see.

Fruits = 2 servings (banana, orange)
Vegetables = 4 servings (Salad: lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers; sweet potato)
Protein = 2-3 servings (beef, ham and turkey)
Healthy fat = 1-2 servings (oil and vinegar)
Empty carbs = nabs
SUGAR = BOO! (cheesecake)
CHEMICALS = Diet Coke

Days 10 & 11 - Weary

Day 11 - Thursday, May 9

Breakfast: Black coffee, water, banana

Lunch: I was having a TERRIBLE day at work and was actually kinda trapped in a meeting as lunch was fast approaching.  Lucky for me that Angel is awesome.  She ordered lunch, went and got it, and made healthy choices for me -- chicken grill salad with takeout oil and vinegar!  I only got to eat about half before being called into another meeting, but I was so thankful for it!

Afternoon snack 1: Deluxe mixed nuts 2.25 oz package (Angel even took care of my snack for me!)

Afternoon snack 2: Banana

Supper at Taste of Home following baseball: I watched everyone else eat fried catfish and the best baked potatoes on earth, followed by homemade Mennonite pie, while I ate baked chicken and double salad for my sides.  The first bowl of salad I opted for Italian (again with places not having oil and vinegar, oy!).  But I've come to hate the taste of Italian dressing.  I have really gotten to like oil and vinegar, but I desperately miss ranch.  So here's the journey my brain went on, "Italian isn't 100% compliant, so why is it any better than ranch?  The Atkins diet said ranch was ok.  I mean, they both have added stuff....I miss ranch...I'm not eating fried foods or sugar or carbs...I'M GOING TO EAT RANCH!!!"  And it was the best thing I've eaten in 11 days.

I am sitting here with my nightly 9 pm craving for sugar.  Some nights I eat a spoonful of almond butter.  Some nights I eat fresh fruit.  Some nights I tough it out and go to bed.  But I do find myself wondering if at the end of the 30 days I'll maybe finally not crave sugar at this time of night?

Final thoughts for today.  I had a very emotionally tough day at work.  And usually my answer is to fat-kid comfort eat.  So I'm thinking that since I made it through today without Diet Coke and chocolate and carbs, maybe just maybe there's hope for me in the long run.  Maybe...

Fruits = 3 servings (banana x2, mixed fruit cup)
Vegetables = at least 4 (Salad x2: lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers)
Protein = a lot (grilled chicken x2 and bacon)
Healthy fat = a lot (~2 servings of mixed nuts plus salad dressings)


Day 10 - Wednesday, May 8

Breakfast: Black coffee, water, deluxe mixed nuts 2.25 oz package

Lunch: DISCLAIMER--I ate Chinese food.  OMG, I know!  But listen.  Between semesters, campus seems to forget that even though the students are gone there are still several thousand employees on campus who also eat food.  So when me and my work BFF forget our lunches in the hustle and bustle of life, we expect to have the option of walking over and picking up a salad from Toss It Up or Subway.  But no, all but 2 eateries were closed, leaving us to choose between Chick-fil-a and Panda Express.  Y'all, there's only so much chargrilled chicken salad you can eat from Chick-fil-a.  I was lulled into stupidity by the signed at the Panda that says "We add no MSG."  So I chose three entrees: beef with asparagus and mushrooms, peppercorn shrimp, and kung pao chicken (removed the peanuts).  So yes, it most likely had soy in it and/or unapproved oil.  But I choose to see that I ate protein and veggies.  Nothing fried/breaded, no noodles or rice, and no honey walnut shrimp (oh so sad to pass that up).  I added an unsweet tea and fruit cup from Chick-fil-a, and I ate every bite with a combination of slight guilt and justification wrapped up together.

Afternoon snack: Another deluxe mixed nuts 2.25 oz package (I forgot everything at home remember)

Supper: Cajun turkey, steamed broccoli, sauteed cabbage (Doug makes THE BEST cabbage)


I've decided to incorporate a food talley in every so often. Here goes for today:

Fruits = 1 serving (mixed fruit cup)
Vegetables = 6? (asparagus, mushrooms, celery, bell pepper, broccoli, cabbage)
Protein = a lot (beef, shrimp, chicken, turkey)
Healthy fat = a lot (~4-5 servings of mixed nuts)

Day 9 - GrumpIER

Day 9 - Tuesday, May 7

Last night AH's drainage kept both of us up.  And if you know me, you know this girl needs her 8 hours of sleep.  So I was already grumpy from Sunday about Whole30, I haven't had enough sleep, and it's final grade time at work.  Bad combo.

Breakfast: Black coffee, water, pecan pie Larabar, banana (spread out over morning)

Lunch: Leftover shepherd's pie, 3 egg yolks, sea salt almonds

I was honored at a reception this afternoon for my 10 years of service to MSU.  Although it's actually 11 years at the end of August, but I guess they are on the "school calendar" for these receptions.  And they had a wonderful spread including chocolate cups containing chocolate mousse.  You know what I had?  BLACK COFFEE.  Ugh, ugh, ugh!

Supper: Salmon patties made with almond flour and fried in coconut oil (Whole30 this time!), stove top sweet potatoes with cinnamon and date sugar, and stewed tomatoes with okra.

Somebody better tell me soon that I look good! ;)

Later in the night I had fresh fruit and sunflower seeds in the shell while I caught up on my shows on DVR.  The process of eating the sunflower seeds was a good long diversion, but man the salt made my mouth sore.

Days 7 & 8 - Grumpy Has Set In

Yeah, I've hit the end of week 1 grumps.  Read all about it.

Day 8 - Monday, May 6 (Happy Birthday, HLM!)

Breakfast: Black coffee, water, monkey bowl

Lunch @ Sweet Peppers Deli, repeat of last week: Chicken grill salad, no cheese or croutons, except I was legit and asked for straight up oil and vinegar; fruit cup; unsweet tea with lemon.

EARLY Afternoon Snack: Sea salt almonds, WATER

Supper @ Staffords after baseball: Salad, which was actually a really nice assortment of veggies, with BBQ meat (no BBQ sauce) and about half a packet of Italian dressing...not Whole30 approved :(.  What can I say, not all establishments have oil and vinegar.  Plus, I had to watch everyone else eat ewwy, gooey sandwiches with french fries, so Italian dressing seems pretty mild in the face of that.  SIGH...

While I was attempting to put AH to sleep, which was taking forever, for some reason I suddenly imagined a sugar cube disolving on my tongue.  Yeah, I have issues.  Right now I'm sitting here with the jar of almond butter, a spoon and my unsweet tea.


Day 7 - Sunday, May 5

Breakfast: Black coffee, water, sea salt almonds later in the morning

Lunch from Hardees: $6 Thickburger, no mayo, ketchup or bun; exotic chips

Supper @ my mom's for my grandfather's birthday:
Here's where the grumpy set in.  First of all, it's a party.  Usually at parties I'm all, "Woo hoo, it's a party!  Let me eat a ridiculous number of yummy calories!"  And when you're the only person abstaining, it stinks.  Second, I planned ahead by having knowledge of the menu.  I planned in advance to limit myself to grilled fish, sweet potatoes, salad, and fruit.  When I got there I was all excited by the site of oil-based slaw.  Then my dreams were shot down when I was told it had sugar in it; so I didn't have any.  Then I saw that the salad had shredded cheese mixed all in it.  I nearly cried.  But I ate it anyway.  Then I made my stupidest choice: 2 deviled eggs, which I know contained mayonnaise.  Then I realized as I was eating the sweet potatoes that they were probably cooked in butter.  So then I was having a full-blown pity party in my head.  I cannot even eat 100% legit by planning ahead?!?!  I would like to point out that I passed up pasta salad, fried fish, hushpuppies and THREE kinds of dessert, yet I'm sitting there beating myself up over small amounts of butter, cheese and mayo.  At that point I realized that the only way to eat 100.0% Whole30 for the duration is to prepare every single morsel at your own home with your own two hands.  That is not a reality for me.  So I will celebrate what I consider 95%+ compliance, and I will move forward.

I also had a moment when I realized my friend was at day 21, and here I was BACK at day 7. 

Forward, march!

My Whole30 Thoughts to Date

You may be thinking, hey lady, you've only been doing this Whole30 thing for 7 days.  But actually, all my tries combined, I've made it over 30 days.  But this time I intended to make it consecutively and say I'VE DONE IT!

Know that it takes at least a week to see any positive changes in your body.  Which is hard for me who needs immediate confirmation that sacrifices are paying off.  After the 1 week mark I notice I feel thinner and the bloat is almost gone.  But I don't know about pounds lost because you are not allowed to weigh until you make it the entire 30 days.

Black coffee is easier if it's flavored.  However, the hubs hates flavored coffee, so I only make it on weekends when he's working.  The rest of the time it's good ole' Folgers black.

Yes, that is a Jerry Springer coffee mug.  It was free (my favorite), but it's a great shaped mug.

Make sure you have a support system.  And I don't mean people just cheering on this "crazy diet" you've decided to try.  (I've heard that phrase a ridiculous number of times by now.)  You really need someone who's doing it with you or at least a similar challenge.  The first time I had Jack and Sara.  The failed attempt in April was alone; not shocking.  This time I have Michelle and Angel, who is trying something different but similarly limiting.  We spend A LOT of time talking, texting and emailing about recipes,  products, challenges, GRIPES, etc. 

Speaking of texts, last night one of us almost caved on Diet Coke.  I took a trip down memory blog lane the other night, and it really helped me have some faith in myself.  I never thought I could give up sweet tea or Dr. Pepper, but I did in 2010.  Actually, I never thought I would LIKE Diet Coke, and now here I am writing it love letters every week that I can't have it.  Oh yeah, and I never thought I'd like skim milk...nearly 15 years ago.

And speaking of time, this eating plan takes tons of prep work.  I spend Sunday mornings pouring over Pinterest and "granola" blogs looking for recipes that I might legitamitely make. 

Our trip to Whole Foods in Bham last weekend was something.  First, they were out of coconut aminos, which is the only thing I wanted to buy in Bham.  I seriously wanted to have a cry baby fit right there in the aisle.  We also tried Fresh Market and Golden Temple for it with no luck.  Golden Temple was one of the strangest stores I've ever been in (um, is that a pentagram on that mortle and pestle?), but it is where I acquired the date sugar!

The funniest and grossest has been kombucha.  I egged Michelle into buying it, and OMG.  Worst drink ever.  Tastes like vinegar mixed with pond water.  Michelle chugged 1/2 the bottle to feel better about the money she spent on it (just another reason we get each other; frugal rules!).  Notice the sludge in the bottom of the bottle.

 

So eating like this at home is interesting.  The first 20 days, I altered food just for me.  Then I decided to subtlely get the males in the house on it too.  (Let's be honest, the 2-yr doesn't eat normally enough to get her on it.)  I haven't bought bread in 3-4 weeks.  Afternoon snacks have consisted mostly of fresh fruit and Larabars.  I have let E have low-carb yogurt because otherwise we're running out of snack ideas and ways to get him full.  I've also let him have ranch dressing because it's the only way he eats salad.  His sandwich box in his school lunch now consists of rolled up lunch meat, a boiled egg, grape tomatoes and baby carrots.  The first day he was NOT impressed.  "My lunch was a piece of junk!" he said, channeling Si from Duck Dynasty.  He has complained less over this 3-week period.  It was actually a good day the day I packed a bowl of tuna salad with a fork (no crackers, no bread).  He wants it every day!  Of course, due to mercury it will be a once a week lunch item.  

Their usual morning breakfast has been eggs and cereal with skim milk.  I tried getting them on eggs and bacon, and for some reason they resisted.  Doug, not being very supported, went out and bought them cereal after less than 2 weeks.  More to come on this issue, GRR.

So one more thing.  I FINALLY have the coconut aminos, a soy sauce alternative, in my cabinet.  After 3 stores in Bham, lo and behold the health food store in Columbus had it.  Elizabeth was kind enough to deliver, but there is certainly a trip there in my future. 

Cauliflower fried rice, here I come!

Day 6

Day 6 - Saturday, May 4

I woke up like I do most weekend days: CRAVING A DOUGHNUT!!!  But alas, I did not cave.

Breakfast: Black coffee and an "indulgent" monkey bowl...2 bananas!

Lunch: Leftover shepherd's pie and 2 boiled eggs

Afternoon snack: Strawberries, kiwi and almonds

So would I have ever had this as a Saturday afternoon snack if I wasn't on Whole30?  Heck no.

Supper: My 2000th salad with boiled eggs and salad shrimp; sweet peppers; pickles; exotic chips and sweet potato chips.

 

 

So yeah, I suspect the chips are not 100% Whole30, but they are my saving grace.  I love them soooo much! 

You'll notice a lot of olives, pickles and boiled eggs in my food logs.  That's what I eat while we're getting supper ready. 

Days 4 & 5

Day 5 - Friday, May 3

Breakfast: Black coffee, water, gas station bacon and smoked sausage *

Lunch at Taste of China: I would have NEVER been able to join my coworkers for a Chinese buffet if this particular Chinese buffet had not had a mini Hibachi station.  I was able to get a big plate of steak, chicken, onions, bell peppers, snow pea pods, zuccini, and mushrooms with garlic sauce (I closed my eyes, crossed my fingers, and hoped it didn't have soy in it).  While I waited I ate crab sticks wrapped in bacon (man, I'm out of control with the bacon) and fried bananas.  Two things about the fried bananas.  First, I once again hoped the oil they fried them in was ok.  Second, they were amazing.  They ended up on my "dessert" plate too, which also consisted of fresh pineapple, orange slice and grapes.  For some reason I thought srircha was an approved condiment, so I had a smidge with my stir fry (dude, that stuff is really hot!)  I realized later it's not approved as SUGAR is the second ingredient.  Sneaky, sneaky sugar.  :(

Afternoon snack: I was starving by 2 pm even after eating all the above.  I had a coconut Larabar.

Supper: Our supper was so good tonight.  We made bacon-wrapped chicken, substituting date sugar for brown sugar.  Then we just had simple iceberg wedges on the side.

OMG, I just realized I ate bacon at EVERY MEAL today!  hahahah


Day 4 - Thursday, May 2

Breakfast: Black coffee, water, banana, mini cashew cookie Larabar

Lunch @ Oby's: Chicken club salad, grilled, with no cheese and with the only legit dressing -- straight up oil and vinegar

 

I'm 99% positive that prior to yesterday I've never eaten that entire salad before.  But minus ranch and cheese, it was a lot less filling. 

 

Supper @ No Way Jose after baseball: Pollo Con Queso -- NO Queso.  You can imagine the ribbing I took.  It was 2 thin chicken breasts with mushrooms and bacon and a side guacomole salad.  Unfortunately the plate came with sour cream and I had to sacrifice some lettuce to the sour cream divide.  NO CHIPS, NO CHEESE DIP, NO TORTILLAS, NO DIET COKE...man. 

 

BEVERAGES:

To know me is to love me.  But to love me is to know that I'm polydipsic -- I drink all the time.  Previously, my day went like this: Coffee with flavored creamer, Diet Coke, more coffee with flavored creamer at work, maybe a glass of water, then Diet Coke with lunch, a to-go DC for the afternoon, and then finally my decaf unsweet tea at home.  (Sometimes followed by another DC at 9 pm.)  How horrified are you right now?  Ok, so on a good day there was a lot more water in there.  I mean, how else would I be the all-time-water-bottle changer?  My new routine is so stinking boring: Black coffee, water, more black coffee at work, more water, unsweet tea with caffeine at lunch, more water, then decaf unsweet tea at home.  The 3 drink rotation is getting a bit old. 

 

  

Day 3 - Wednesday, May 1

Breakfast:
Black coffee
Sassy water
Banana
Lunch:
Bulldog Deli chicken grill salad (no cheese or croutons), balsamic vinegrette (mistake, pretty sure it had sugar in it), unsweet tea
Snack:
Mixed nuts (minus peanuts) at a work reception while I stared longingly at the cookies, cake and ice cream and my work BFF Angel got mad at me for hogging the almonds ;)
Supper:
Garlic-stuffed olives
Shepherd's pie with fauxtatoes (cauliflower and turnip blended with vegetable stock - this recipe needs a bit more work) [pic]
Apple with almond butter
Unsweet, decaf tea
WATER

Don't worry, I didn't eat the part with the shredded cheese.  And Jack called during supper and immediately said, "She can't eat that, it has mashed potatoes!" 

My Whole30 - Take 3

Sometime in March, Jack, Sara and I had lunch.  Sara had just purchased It Starts With Food and was talking about how she was about to start the Whole30.  We were intrigued and decided to give it a shot.

Here's a quick cheat sheet:

EAT: Meat, eggs, vegetables, fruit, nuts, seeds, healthy fats
NO: Dairy, soy, legumes, grains, starches, processed foods, sugar (including artificial),alcohol


I started my first attempt at Whole30 on Monday, March 18.  I made it 20 days before caving after getting sick from (suspected) food poisoning.  Let the record show I made it longer than both Sara and Jack :)  Here is a log of my meals for reference:

At the end of that 20 days, my stomach was the flattest it's been in Y-E-A-R-S! but I had only lost 3 pounds.  So like the dork I am, I fell off the wagon for the next 9 days, gaining back all the pounds and bloat.  Yuck.

I started over in April only to fail again after the Warrior Dash when my body demanded that I feed it carbs, ha.  The only thing I was successful at sticking with was drinking my coffee black for 6 weeks minus 2 exceptions.  And considering how many cups I drink a day, 2 exceptions is very low!

So my third attempt started yesterday (Monday, April 29).  This time Michelle will be joining me, and I THINK that is the motivation to make it the entire 30 days.  I've also tried to implement a Whole30 approach for the family with some exceptions.  More to come on that.

Here is what I'm eating this go round:

Day 2 - Tuesday, April 30

Breakfast/Morning Snack:
Black coffee
Sassy water
Lunch: 
Salad (lettuce, carrots, grape tomatoes) with balsamic vinegar and olive oil
Turkey deli meat *
Boiled egg
Unsweet tea 
Monkey bowl (cut up banana, unsweetened coconut, natural cashews) [pic]
Supper:
Black olives 
Stuffed peppers (red, green and yellow - eat the rainbow!), sweet potato and green beans [pic]
Decaf, unsweet tea
Water

Day 1 - Monday, April 29

Breakfast/Morning Snack:
Black coffee
Sassy water (detox water made with lemon, cucumber, ginger, and mint)
Banana
Lunch:  
Leftover taco lettuce wraps
Unsweet tea
Afternoon Snack:
Apple
Supper: 
MORE leftover taco lettuce wraps
Bacon *
Almond butter
Decaf, unsweet tea
Water

* Bacon and deli meat that "normal" people around here buy are not 100% Whole30, but living in a podunk town isn't completely conducive to being compliant.

Travel is near!

Y'all, I miss blogging.  My new job coupled with the adoption has just thrown me for a loop.  However, I do plan to blog when I can during our trip, so here is a new blog just for the trip:

http://redtigerbaby.blogspot.com/

Hope you'll follow along!

A Mouse among Men?

We had a work retreat two years ago where we did the animal personality test.  There are four options: Eagle, Bison, Bear and Mouse.  I was not pleased with the result.  Can you guess which one I ended up?  The stinking mouse.

Here is the description of the "Human Temperament" of the Mouse:

Perceived as the black sheep with a slightly disreputable character (say what?), individuals ruled by the mouse are viewed as such due to their quiet ability to remain invisible yet resourceful and productive at the same time.  Competent in their own abilities and aware of their limitations, they maximize opportunity and end up dominating much to the surprise and chagrin of others.  They are bewildering and awe-inspiring in their talents to get out of the direst of situations in a manner that projects a sense of invincibility.  They are the giant killers; the underdogs taking down number one without anyone actually understanding how.  Humorous individuals who carry serious undertones, they rely on instinct and intuition rather than logic and rationality, and it often proves more reliable.  They do things their own way, finding a direct path to reach goals that are designed uniquely for them.  While seemingly small and vulnerable, they overcome fears easily, pushing forward, taking chances, and trusting in a higher guidance, even if that means knocking others off course.

I bolded items I agree with above.  Thoughts?

Turkey Trot'in

Once again, late but for posterity's sake


October 29, 2011 -- Time: 30:57 (we believe the new time is due to a last-minute, shortened route)

Fasting Failure

I am so disgusted.  I felt like I did a good job fasting yesterday, but I must admit defeat if Livestrong says I'm over my calories for the day, right?!?  Here's the rundown:

• Breakfast: Coffee only, but I have been making the mistake of using cinnamon creme powdered creamer at work...that cost me 100 calories :(
• Lunch: Progresso lentil soup (entire can b/c who in the world eats half a can of soup?) and celery with Jiff to Go
• Supper: Shrimp ramen noodles and carrots and grape tomatoes with ranch

I was starving when I went to bed, but maybe that was just mental...as disappointed as I am, I think at least this put a few things into perspective.

In other Lenten news, I did dishes last night as stated and went to Ash Wednesday service.  Tonight my goal is folding clothes in addition to dishes.  Baby steps...

Prequel

In October, known at the time only to my 3 BFFs, we reviewed what's called a "shared" referral from our agency.  A shared referral goes out to families in process via an email.  And I suppose in retrospect that I didn't realize that there must be a reason for releasing a shared referral instead of it being the normal "matched" referral (i.e., the level of severity).  So what I read in an email was that a particular little girl had been born with a spinal tumor but had a successful operation.  Now would be a good time to note that we had NOT marked such a condition on our medical checklist.  But  I looked at that precious face and thought Maybe?  I sent the file to Dr. H, and she confirmed what I thought: she seemed healthy based on the limited information in the email.  So, we asked to review her information, as did several other families.  They gave us a deadline for a decision a few days out, and they sent us more detailed medical information which we sent on to the International Adoption Clinic in Birmingham for review.  Before we ever heard back from IAC, another update was sent to us via email.  That one floored us.  When I look back I wonder how we could have been so confused, but I guess I just wasn't reading between the lines.  I spent those 2-3 days sick to my stomach with the process and my doubts.  After talking with Dr. C in Bham (in the parking lot of Buffalo Wild Wings on the phone), I came to the sad conclusion that we were not prepared to parent this precious girl and her ongoing needs.  My heart broke for her.  And oh the guilt!  The Bham doctor tried to make me feel better by telling me since she was so young that she would likely be matched with another family.  But between the guilt and the fear of the medical information, I spent the next two months practically twitching.

Striving to be better at life

Tomorrow kicks off Lent, and most people have been very curious as to what I will give up this year.  In years past I've given up chocolate (too many times to count), Dr. Pepper (ditto), and even cursing (sadly, more than once).  I've been thinking about what to give up since the first of the year.  And here is what I decided: sloth and gluttony.

As defined by Wikipedia:

Sloth is the neglect to take care of something that one should do. The modern view goes further, regarding laziness and indifference as the sin at the heart of the matter.

Gluttony is the over-indulgence and over-consumption of anything to the point of waste. In the Christian religions, it is considered a sin because of the excessive desire for food or its withholding from the needy.

Allow me to explain.  I find myself almost constantly wondering why I can't get the same things done that other people do.  Why is my house always a mess?  How does that person have time to do C & D when I can't even get A & B done?  These questions coincide with my extreme dislike of hearing people say, "I don't have time."  My first step on my road of self-enlightenment is that I choose to say, "I don't make the time/prioritize my time correctly."  Here are the things I know: I make time for TV, fiction reading, etc.  So my focus during Lent is to watch less TV, read no fiction, do more housework, spend more quality time with my family - pretty much not to overindulge in anything not productive.  I have established additional goals like (1) must do dishes every night and (2) must accomplish one additional task each night.

My goal is that these behaviors will become habits after Lent, and my focus in life will be sharpened.

What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?

I find it hard to believe that after all these years I'd never seen this poem. Bang on.

What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?

I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let Him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.

While I would never choose infertility, I cannot deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know."

--Author unknown

Kansas Thanksgiving: Day 4 - Black Friday and Day 5 - Homeward Bound

Elliott waited until Thursday night to have a meltdown about sleeping with the DVD player upstairs and insisted on sleeping on the loveseat downstairs.  That wouldn't be important if my mom hadn't been planning to sneak off to Target at midnight to buy my Kindle.  We didn't get much sleep, and the wee hours of Black Friday came even rougher because of it.  All 5 of us trudged to Manhattan (only 20 minutes away) to secure our deals.

We even managed our yearly visit with Santa while we were there!

Even with altering our sleep patterns, it made for some tired drivers starting home on Saturday. And I will never let my mother forget what a whiner she was. Granted, we drove the first 8 hours (non-stop, no joke) in the rain, but that doesn't call for being the worst rider in a car...beating out the 6 year old.

Kansas Thanksgiving: Day 3 - Turkey Day!

At the very end of our shopping trip at the Commissary, I finally found cornmeal.  I had two options, a huge sack or a container.  I opted for the container for convenience...

So, this was my first Thanksgiving to ever be in charge of the cooking.  On the menu:

• Turkey
• Dressing*
• Gravy
• Squash casserole
• Sweet potato casserole
• Black-eyed peas*
• Cranberry sauce
• Crescent rolls
• Pumpkin pie

I did the prep work on Wednesday night, making the work on Thursday not that stressful.  I say that, but then again I burned the peas.  Obviously peas were the easiest thing on the menu, but my multitasking got a little out of hand.  Also, I knew it was odd that my cornbread was very dense.  And dense cornbread leads to dense dressing.  It took days and discussion with my mother-in-law before I realized I had bought STRAIGHT cornmeal with no self-rising capability.  AHA!  All in all, though, my meal was a success.

The spread; Emi busted out the fancy plates!

We had a nice, quiet lunch followed by playground time and a walk with the dogs.

 

 

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Truth be told, next year I will probably long for a repeat of such a fantastic Turkey Day.